Hold Me Tight 1st (first) edition Text Only Hardcover – January 1, 2008

A.R.E. Is a groundbreaking method for anyone trying to learn how to communicate effectively with their partner. EFT is another tool to let the healing and understanding begin. I recommend this book. I found several methods beneficial for me. Thanks Dr Sue, for the escape ❤️

Dr. Sue Johnson is the master. The most important and significant psychologist since perhaps Carl Jung, and perhaps the greatest relationship psychologist of all time. The success rate in her clinic, where she works with the worst of the worst when it comes to couples (an ex-Marine with PTSD who was beaten by his dad and a woman who was sexually molested her whole childhood by an uncle), only shows what she can do for average couples who have problems that aren't as severe. However, the problem is that you cannot read this book in 3 days like some John Gray (he is not a doctor) pop psychology book. This is book involving a deep amount of research and clinical studies, but it is still written for the layperson. In essence, there are no easy answers.The other issue is Dr. Sue's work flies in the face of 30+ years of psychology therapy which taught couples that they must be 100% happy, have all their ducks lined up in a row, and basically be perfect until they can have a great relationship. Bull. According to Dr. Sue, a deep romantic relationship with a partner is base in part of healing childhood wounds and other traumas. A romantic relationship most closely resembles the bond that exists between a mother and baby. It is not the SAME relationship (of course!). But in terms of the emotional intensity and closeness it is.She has been on a crusade to eradicate co-dependency from psychological language. People NEED each other. They are interdependent, social creatures. Her books provide countless examples of people and other animals who thrive and are better thru having these "hold me tight" relationships. The comfort they bring leads to people thriving in life. It leads to more risk taking. It leads to better health. She has done countless MRI brain studies to show that when you are "fighting" with your partner, your brain looks EXACTLY like a lion is chasing you. The new part of brain has not evolved fast enough to deal with such fighting without the conversational techniques that she writes about and teaches. The bond between you and your partner is that INTENSE and that critical. The way you communicate with each other has to be so delicate.When a person is experiencing fear, pain, and all sorts of negative things, and an MRI is taken of their brain, Dr. Sue has shown that when the hurting person feels the touch of their partner's hand, it completely changes their brain and how it looks. It provides that level of comfort.And you want to tell me that people need to be 100% happy in order to have a healthy relationship? Yes individual therapy is useful in that it can allow you to understand where your thoughts, feelings and emotions are coming from, and how your partner can help you heal with it detracting from their own growth. But as U2 once said in a song, "Sometimes You Just Can't Make It On Your Own."Anyone in an online dating profile who says they are 100% happy and is just looking for a partner to add to their happiness......well.....Dr. Sue would say stay single. Because relationships ARE HARD. They are not easy, and they are supposed to be that way. But the rewards far outgain the negatives. But she also says there are just too many people are coming in her clinic, and too many people coming into other psychologist's offices, to suggest that any relationship can just add to the 100% happiness that you already have. People are going into therapy because they crave that innate bond that is no important to survival and health of our species.This is too hard to explain. I suggest reading both of her books Hold Me Tight and Love Sense. And yes, she claims love can be explained by science.

I would never have read this book if it was not for the Kindle challenge. I found this book enlightening This book brought things to forefront that definitely need some consideration.

This was such a good read, I have learned so much ! Great for any relationship, even great for healing !

The author transmits a lot of priceless wisdom succinctly and clearly. Positive relationships are not just about negotiations as some psychologists wrongly believe they are about emotional bonds of attachment. Attachment theory is presented as a skill that each of us can master to improve our relationships and widen our hearts.

I recommend this book for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, or who have a tendency to devalue their marriage: I am glad I read a fair amount and got my husband to read just as much but we did get bogged down after a while and did not finish it. We scored incredibly low on the ARE questionnaire (0 and 2) at first which was rather discouraging but we have improved since then: remember that a low score is not just a reflection on the recipient but on the overall quality of the relationship and the giver's willingness to trust the recipient. (Another person may score you much higher.)After having this book for 9 months (and still needing help) I purchased a different one: Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston: it finishes the job as far as I am concerned. Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). It gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight.In Six Secrets, each chapter covers its subject thoroughly with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of difficulties. The organization allows you to skip to the areas of greatest concern as I did. Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful. It urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works.The Six Secrets book not only helps one confront disrespect but also helps one to confront one's own character defects which may be leading to disrespect. The book gives a good list of such defects: I could easily see how I had played a role in my disrespect and how my spouse played a role in my disrepect of him. Seeing these causes spelled out made it much easier for me to address them.I loved the following passage from Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side."My only complaint is that Six Secrets lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't come up with such respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose.Hold Me Tight might also help if there is some unresolved pain from the past but Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship may get to the same place more quickly. I do think that both books could cover gender differences more thoroughly, especially the differences in style when it comes to apologies, but I had already had those differences covered by a counselor and was very ready for these books which place far less emphasis on gender differences, my husband and I both probably have high testosterone levels, so chemistry wasn't a problem but fighting was. We are also reversed from the norm when it comes to focus vs. multitasking so the gender focused books did not have a great deal of appeal. I especially take issue with those which imply that women do not need respect as much as men.Six Secrets shows that eventually disrespect will rebound on a spouse so if men do need more respect they had better not be dishing out disrespect. It divides up the respect issue fairly well between the sexes with examples of disrespect in both sexes and it was easy to see myself in the disrespected person's shoes regardless of gender. It could probably use a few more examples of women behaving badly in the trust department since that seems to be tilted against men but I'll admit that I haven't read the whole thing yet and in any case, it does cover the measures which may be needed to restore trust (while not guaranteeing its restoration).

A really good book for anyone in a relationship or working with relationships who's interested in how relationships can work better, it's equally good for self-help or for a helper. This book takes a very different approach from (e.g.) 'Fighting for your Marriage' (Howard Markman) or John Gottman's books. It's based on attachment theory which Johnson explains simply and clearly in just a few pages. Her approach is to define the self-perpetuating 'Demon Dialogues' partners get locked into, and to help the partners firstly to recognise that it's the 'demon dialogue' that's the enemy in the relationship rather than their partner, and secondly how to work together to stop the Demon Dialogue and to build constructive dialogues instead. An easy read, human and humane, very highly recommended.

Finally. A book that not only explains love but can show us all a way of not only finding it but staying in it for life. Forget about fickle hormones it's all about secure attachment.

Great way to get a summary of the method.

It's a new way of finding your way back to each other by communicating in a new way. It's bound to change the way you see each other and this can only be a good thing. My husband and I have been married 54 years and although we do most of the things in this important book about relationships, we learned things that have enhanced our romantic relationship and it could restore yours!!!

It's incredible. I am not much of a book reader as I find it hard to put my mind/body in the right environment to consume a book. With my relationship on ropes, I remembered someone sharing this with me and I really wish I read it sooner. Many of the examples laid out in this book have helped me further understand the areas we need to work in or how/why i acted or reacted in most/all situations (and the same goes for my wife and how she acted/reacted).