Housewife: Home-remaking in a Transgender Marriage

When Kristin Collier’s husband revealed to her that he suffered what medical jargon names as “gender dysphoria,” she and he and the kids went to the library and came back with “books on dinosaurs, bugs, castles and transsexuals.”Included in their haul was at least one good memoir detailing the experience of transitioning, but no account of what the experience might be like for a gender-changer’s spouse. A Yahoo Groups forum for old partners of newly transitioning folks eventually provided a common ground where she could learn, explore, and exchange. After a certain point, though, she felt called to take into account her own circumstances and map out the winding path to truth as she had come to know it. “I have attempted to write the book,” she says, as heart-opening memoirs often do, “that I was longing for at that time.”It’s a boots-on-the-ground odyssey through norms, expectations, inner experience—the phases and nuances of coming to terms with one’s own changes when the acknowledged inner truth of a loved one changes radically. Her prose is at once straight forward and evocative. The cast of characters that pass through her kitchen in the progressive college town where she lives are recognizable, and yet singular. Each is given the dignity of his or her own life, and understanding of that life.As a spoiler her former husband transitions successfully, they continue to live under the same roof with their two kids, and they become “parenting partners.” These facts, though, are just the book’s skeleton. Its flesh and blood is the narrative of uncertainty, and of the acceptance of uncertainty, that she works through as she learns to stay in close and trusting relationship with her parenting partner—while exploring her need for community and testing her hope for romantic intimacy.Quite sufficient, but never excessive, details are provided about both the changes in her sexual relationship with her parenting partner, as well as her exploration of the unsought freedom that comes to her after they agree to stop sharing a bed. I thought it was in these details that her book achieved its most artful transparency. The courage and skill with which she laid bare, discretely, but with some completeness, both the inner landscapes and outer circumstances of her new relationships took my breath away.It occurs to me that perhaps her candor was inspired by her parenting partner Seda’s coming out as female-identified. Because Kristin, in effect, outs herself as cis-gendered. She writes of her experience of femininity, of what she wanted in a relationship, what she got, and what the differences were and what they might mean. She owns her desires, ponders them, experiments with them. Her descriptions of the men in her life achieve an even-handed vulnerability that give the sometimes loose narrative of the second part a potent charm.One gets the impression that from an early age and by necessity she was self-reliant, but that in her attempt to nurture fresh love that she can integrate into her existing family structure she achieved a remarkably clear vision of who she is in relation to all that she desires.

It was a interesting viewpoint from the wife's perspective. It was a endless tale of her new found sexual freedom about her endless search for a relationship with a real male. I respect their effort stay together for the welfare of the children. The male who is now female does a remarkable job of retaining the financial needs of the family while the hippie wife worries about the size of her footprint on the planet. It in my opinion a self serving account of her search for a new mate while the transgender woman accepts whatever comes her way. I wanted to hear more about her and her journey. Every woman should wish for such a relationship having complete freedom while the transgender woman is deduced to a financial support system She did incredible work on behalf of the transgender sisters.

This book is from a perspective almost identical to my own, and I am glad to hear from someone else about transitioning as a spouse. I identified with many of Kristin's feelings, and also my spouse has gone through a lot of the transition steps that Seda has. We have 3 kids and are living together co-parenting. Thank you Kristin for sharing your story. I am glad to know that I am not alone, and you inspire me to make myself available to be an empathetic ear for other spouses going through transition.

There was a great deal of openness and honesty in her writing, but I was hoping for more of a how-to guide or practical advice for a trans family and marriage, rather than her life story.

A very good book written by a very talented lady. I would highly recommend this book for any couple who have a transitioning partner. I just wish that this book had been available when i started my transition to female to help my wife thru the transition. I could relate with Fred's transition to female, just as Kristen transitioned in the marriage with the transition. My wife is reading the book now and i know it will give her a better understanding.

I loved the fact this book explores the feelings and process involved for the spouse/significant other. There are several resources out there for the Mtf and Ftm folks but not much for the families. It was great to hear about their transition. I hope it helps other loved ones and their children by showing a loving and compassionate way to help them cope with this new change.

Being transgendered, it was fascinating to hear the story of the partner. Kristin is a very unique person, probably not at all typical but her story is honest and compelling.

What an amazing book...well written and absorbing. An eye opener to what this family has gone through to keep their love alive. Bravo!