Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

This book is so well written, I cannot even begin! Holy cow is Esther Perel brilliant, kind, thoughtful and passionate. Her schooling scintillates and her language simmers. It is clear she has complete command of her subject and is dedicated to improving the lives of couples. The way she writes and educates brings back love to relationships. This is a book everyone should read and study.

This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too. The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable. The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why. By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program). There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs. Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.

Helped me to think differently about romantic relationships, singleness and marital expectations. Explained perspectives I had come across through dating but couldn’t understand or relate…this book helped me to understand my past encounters. There were things I disagreed with but still found worthwhile. Other perspectives were shocking, brand new and liberating.

I haven't even finished this book yet and I love it. I think I've only made it through the first two chapters, and I was so captivated with all the information and wondering if I'd remember everything I'd absorbed, that I started the book over from the beginning! Diligently underlining important points with a pencil. The way I use this book: I read just a few pages at a time, then set it down and reflect on what I've read. Personally, I've always felt that I had an unconventional view on relationships- Often feeling stifled by a partner's "rules" about how we should act now that "we're a couple". But reading this book helps me to see that it is completely NATURAL not to want to lose your sense of self and/or cut off your independence, yet still feel the security that a committed relationship can offer. The book helps me articulate my own thoughts. And there are so many "oh crap" moments while reading this, when I realize that I illustrate some of the same destructive behaviors explained in the book in my own relationship (I'm a woman who's been in a relationship with another woman for 4 years, fyi). After I put the book down, I feel like I've just had my very own personal therapy session... and it feels great! After reading just a few pages, I often feel happier (having a greater understanding of why I act or feel certain ways within my relationship), and I feel more in love. Corny as it sounds... Because after reading just a little bit of the book (that's often all I can digest in one sitting), I've set aside all the stress and anxiety and suddenly am having all these ideas about how to strengthen my own relationship- sexually and otherwise. I feel calm and peaceful. I would love to meet the author in person, though I know I probably wouldn't be able to afford a real-life therapy session with her. So for me, this is the next best thing!! Toooootttttallllly recommend this book!!!

First, I loved the authors fiesty accent. This book was very well written and gave me a new perspective on relationships. Over time, we become complacent in our relationships, and it gets boring. This author is very open-minded about the dynamics in relationships. It helped me to think of relationships in a new way. I have been in my current relations for 9 years, and recently went through a lot of turmoil when my partners shared their dissatisfaction with the same boring thing day after day. It is definitely more challenging to turn things around when you are the only one interested in doing so. I did find a few really great resources on Amazon that have helped. I am not saying I am out of the woods yet, but have definitely made some good progress. Life is a never ending lesson. You only stop learning when you are dead.

I was introduced to this book by my current soon to be husband. I'm not the best at communication and I have a hard time understanding relationships in general. This book is absolutely wonderful and insightful. I actually finished it in one sitting! I wish I was fortunate enough to be in a position to meet you. My only concern is I hope the working relationship between Naomi and John stays intimately professional and professionally intimate. It would be a shame if either one had to leave the company and workplace due to awkwardness. I'm sure that's the last thing Catherine would want.

The author has a captivating writing style, even though as some mentioned it can be a little bit of a word salad. I found her insight into what cultivates desire very interesting and thought provoking. There are some nuggets in this book, however don't expect it to have all the answers. I think the author is failing to acknowledge the biological gender differences in this book, and puts too much emphases on inclusivity and every erotic hang up to be rooted in some dysfunction from parental relationship with their children. Statistically we know women are 3 times as likely to experience loss of libido in a long term relationship as compared to men. And many of these women had healthy relationships with their caretakers as children so this theory doesn't fit all. Aside from that, the author has some knowledgeable observations on what cultivates desire. From an application standpoint, the book does not have a lot of practical advice. It reads more like psychology material and theorizes; it's geared for understanding, not necessarily solving.

Talking about intimacy is not always easy. I hope this book helps ease topics of eroticism within a marriage. Do not be to scare to explore what may be right beneath your own imagination.