Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide Paperback – Illustrated, May 10, 2016

This book saved my life. Married for 21 years, and my (now ex) husband had an affair that resulted in a baby girl. I was utterly devastated when I found out, and tried to find a book that validated divorce due to cheating. In this sea full of reconciliation therapists, I somehow found Tracy.I am Incredibly grateful to the author and Chump Nation for guidance during the worst nightmare of my life. This book held my hand and led me through some really dark nights.

A little tough love to create a new life after betrayal that I hope you never need. Read it. You'll feel better about yourself and gain clarity and vision for your future. Better than thousands of dollars of therapy.

I can't begin to tell you how helpful this book was for me. I am recently divorced and learning to navigate my new life. My ex-husband cheated, and that wrecked me. He lived our life like nothing was wrong. I told him I had never loved him more in my life, and the very next day, he said he was unhappy. Although I would learn later, he had been having a 6-month affair. We were married 11 years, together for 16. Pieces of me died that day. But, with books like this, I have found them and brought them back to life. I am finally feeling like myself again.

A lot of good advice from someone who has been through it. It is validating and yet calls us out for our part even though it is not our fault. This is exactly what I needed when I needed it.

I did a deep dive into various infidelity books during my divorce and this book was by far the most straightforward and hopeful for moving on. It doesn’t blame the victim but sheds light on the cheater. It helped me move on. Can’t recommend it enough.

I am an official citizen of Chump Nation. After reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn, I am aghast at how easily I fit into the chump category. My experience with a cheater was years ago, and it involved, thank goodness, my fiancé, not my wife. I had been with her about five years when the big deal breaker, the sucker punch from hell, hit me square in the gut. Up to that point, my girl was my sole-mate, my one true love, a love that would last forever. We told each other this for as long as I can remember. My favorite poem was Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe, not because it was dark, but because he expressed his love for Annabel Lee so fervently. Her favorite song was Till by The Angels, because she would love me 'til the tropic sands turned cold....etc. Well, to make a long story short, we went to different colleges, and I entered the service afterward. She stayed on at her school to get her Masters. After about a year of being separated for long periods, I came home on leave for a much needed break. We took up right where we had left off - kissin' and a huggin' - I couldn't get enough of her. Then one day, a friend of mine told me that she had spent the night once with my best friend at his college after a football game between their two schools. I was floored and didn't believe it. If I had been smart, I'd have just filed this information away and confirmed it clandestinely, but, no, I immediately confronted my BFF and asked him if it was true. He said 'yes' she had stayed in his dorm room that night because she didn't have a ride back to her school, but they slept separately and there was no sex. Oh, OK, I thought, makes sense....sort of. I asked my girl about it and she had the same answer, word for word. I fell for it and proceeded as if nothing ever happened. This was my first clue that I was entering Chump Nation. I wanted to believe that nothing happened and forced myself to take a big bite of that excrement sandwich and stay with her. Just before I left for my next duty station, I took her back to her college and on the way stopped at a motel for an overnighter and some hanky-panky. A couple of months later I bought a diamond engagement ring, too expensive for my salary, and asked her to marry me during a brief visit at her school. She readily excepted. This was just one of a series of Ego Kibbles I had been feeding her in my total ignorance. That was the last time I saw her until Spring break when her parents brought her to my town to see their friends and let her and I visit. That night after dinner, she dropped the bomb on me.....she was pregnant. WHAT? I had slept with her once four months prior, and she had told me she was on birth control. I might be stupid, but after that long she should at least have a bump. She had nothing! I knew we would be disappointing our parents with this news and I would have to marry her ASAP. Abortion was out of the question for us. I sadly kissed her goodbye after the visit and asked her to send me the name and number of her doctor since, as the father, I wanted to be in the loop. (At this point, I was beginning to suspect something was not right - she should be showing and she wasn't) She said she would. I waited and waited - no letter with the info. I wrote and asked again for the doctor information.....no response. Finally a letter from her arrived. In it she dropped the mother of all betrayals on me - I wasn't the father. She said she was terribly sorry, and to please write back even if was just to swear at her. One last kibble, please! How long she had been cheating I never knew. I suspect now it was for quite awhile. She was having her cake while I was sweating my butt off for the country. I wondered what I had done to cause her to stray like that, but now I realize it wasn't my fault, she owned it completely. Well, her cake days were now over. She ended up marrying the father, some campus cop I think, then divorced him a few years later. She married again through the years, don't know how many times, and divorced them all. She probably cheated on all of them. She is now a lonely old lady with nobody to look out for her. I, on the other hand, found a wonderful wife, altogether faithful, and we have grown old together and remain in love to this day.Tracy Schorn's book has been very helpful in giving me insight as to what cheaters do and why they do it. They're liars and they're lacking character. I wonder if they have a soul. I got played by one and it wasn't fun, but at least it didn't happen after I was married and had kids - for that I can be thankful!

​Rarely have I read a book that pushed me back-and-forth between two equally strong sentiments of agreement and disagreement. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing. But my enthusiasm for that message is dampened by the frequently expressed opinions that cheaters should be dumped, betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage are chumps, and those who encourage relationship recovery (especially marriage counselors) can be lumped together with ambulance chasers.I guess I should say that I'm one of those counselors she writes about, but my focus is specifically on affair healing for individuals and couples.:: Agreements ::> You can’t save your marriage alone.> The affair is not the betrayed spouse’s fault.> Cheaters are self-focused.> Marriage counseling shouldn’t be your first option.> Trust should be earned.> Boundaries are needed.> There is life after infidelity.> There is no obligation to reconcile.:: Disagreements ::> You are a “chump” if you focus on hope for your marriage.From the author: “Asking a marriage counselor if your marriage can be saved is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.”​Let me first admit that I am in partial agreement with what the author has to say on this point. Too many counseling services and products promise (for a fee) to help a betrayed spouse save their marriage without the cooperation of the betrayer. And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame.We should probably throw religious leaders into this mix as well. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. That is a risk they are not required to make and should not be pressured to do so.But denying hope for a healed marriage is a shift to the opposite extreme. The book leaves very little room for this consideration. In fact, the author wants to push chumps in the opposite direction. She writes, “I’m not here to help you save your marriage after infidelity. I”m here to help you save your sanity and protect yourself.”Here’s the truth: there is hope. I’ve seen healing in marriages, the kind of healing that moves a couple back into connection and trust. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, many couples do not experience this. But marriage healing after an affair is not a foolish hope.The best healing choice for some is to leave their marriage, but that is not only choice for everyone.> Reconciliation is a myth.From the author: “I liken successful reconciliation to a unicorn—a mythical creature that I want to believe in, but that is rarely sighted.”There are many examples of marriages that somehow managed to avoid divorce after infidelity, but fail to experience a genuine return to intimacy. Online forums are filled with stories of people who tried to fix their relationship yet remain disappointed and frustrated. I can understand the tendency to conclude that reconciliation is little more than an empty dream.But couples can and do reconcile in ways that are satisfying to both of them. Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. Every decent affair recovery therapist I know can account for many marriages that are strong despite the devastation of an affair.Reconciliation is not the only outcome, but it is a true one.> Leave no room for grace.From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.”This book is a great counter to the common tendencies of “chumps” to overlook the severity of the betrayal. Forgiveness and trust can be granted too quickly and easily.But I want to live in a world that values grace and makes room for it. I know it is empowering to embrace justice and agree that many betrayed spouses SHOULD be taking a much stronger stand for their own well-being, but there is a way to balance grace and justice. I believe we are better people when we do.To be clear, I am not suggesting that traumatized spouses should just roll over with an “It’s okay, I still love you attitude.” Real grace will still establish real boundaries. Grace is not the same thing as trust. Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice.> Cheaters have one primary motive.From the author: “Why do people cheat? Because they can. It’s that simple. People cheat because they value their autonomy to engage in affairs more than they value your well-being.”No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that every cheater is driven by the same reason. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play.These vulnerabilities are not reasons or excuses. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives. Many cheaters did not choose to cheat before, even when there was an opportunity to do so. It's important to gain insight into the vulnerabilities at play so that appropriate changes can be made and necessary boundaries established. Only then can there be a secure return to trustworthiness.Yes, at the core of every affair is selfishness, but cheaters do not all pop out of the same mold.> Cheaters don’t change.From the author: “I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character… After suffering my own series of false reconciliations, reading infidelity boards, and running my own blog, I’ve yet to see the grateful, prodigal unicorn.”I doubt the author would claim that a cheater could never change, but it seems clear that she believes it is so rare that it is a near-fantasy. I wonder if her story has attracted like stories.Over 20 years ago, I was a cheater. I am not a cheater now. And I know many other former cheaters who have long years of evidence pointing to their trustworthiness.Some spouses have always been and will always be cheaters. Some spouses cheat once and never cheat again. And some were habitual cheaters who, like addicts, become “sober” in their relationships.Thank God there is hope for us!:: Who will be helped (or hindered) by reading this book? ::There so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just found out about their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. There can be a wise balance.Neither would I recommend the book to someone who leans toward offering a period of grace before making final choices.But I would recommend this book, with the caveats I’ve mentioned in this review, to an injured spouse who fits any of these descriptions:> They blame themselves for the affair, or believe there must be something “wrong” with them.> They assume responsibility for fixing the marriage.> They remain in relationship with an unfaithful spouse who is uncertain, defensive, accusing, or unwilling to take the lead in healing the injury they caused.> They feel hopelessly victimized.> They feel pressured to reconcile when they don’t want to.> They believe the only good outcome is an intact marriage.The author’s empowering message mixed with a good dose of humor would be a welcome relief to anyone who feels trapped and alone. It will help them leave the cheater and reclaim their life.