When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

I had an affair 4 years ago, and got tired of my husband throwing it up in my face for the last 3. Like the average person, I never considered myself to be "that" type of person that would have an affair. It just happened. Now that my husband and I are splitting up, I started thinking about how I'm really not a bad person and got this book to try and help me make sense of what happened. This author speaks so well, it felt like I was getting advice from my friend down the road. It didn't talk above my head or give me a bunch of stuff but leave me wondering what to do with it.My marriage began the downhill slide to ending years ago. No need to go into those details, but suffice to say my husband (soon to be ex) has periodically labeled me this horrible human being for a 3 mos ordeal out of an 11 year marriage. Nevermind that he was unfaithful to his last wife and I have reason to suspect he's not been a saint this time, but no proof. Still, I got tired of hearing how the problems were all mine and went looking for a book that could help me figure out that either I was a monster and how to change or that I'm just a normal human. The author does well to show how we're all human and, while not condoning the idea of an affair, she does recongnize how it can happen. And it's not because those of us who do it are just bad people. It's because we're in situations we don't plan on, we find ourselves in bad relationships and maybe we're trying to stay together for the kids (that was me), but we should not be condemned forever. It just so happened that my home life was at an all-time low and I was being emotionally and verbally abused, and really thinking about why did I even want to continue being on this planet, when I happened to meet someone who told me I was important and a necessary part of the human race. Thank goodness, too, because in the end, it made me a better mom! At least, one that is still here.A lot of the text talks about the reader as being in a current relationship and having a person on the side, and how to decide what to do. I still felt it was extremely beneficial to read even tho my affair was over a long time ago. At the time, I was not "found out" so much as I confessed rather than lie about a situation My husband offered to help me get the guy back if that's what I wanted. . . how badly could he have been hurt if that was how he felt?!! The other person wasn't for me either, but he was put in my life at that time for a specific purpose. This book does not tell you what you've done is the right thing, but it helps you see why it happened, possibly how to avoid this same thing in the future and how to choose what you need from your life right now.I really like her style of writing. I'm a college graduate, but I've read books that talked to me like I was an idiot and gave me a bunch of information but no way to process it. The author speaks in a tone that anyone can relate to, it's just common speak, not technical or a bunch of words that send you running for Websters. She gives you a lot of information but also tells you what you need to think about, useful suggestions on processing it all, and what to do next.I'm almost done with another book of hers, and there's one waiting on me after that. Finally, an author of self-help books that really does help! It's wonderful!

Long ago I read Kirshenbaum's book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and underlined so much of it there was hardly a clean page left. Now all these years later I have read her latest book; "When Good People Have Affairs" and can say that this book has been asking to be written for a very long time. Critics who say this subject matter shouldn't be written about are no different than people who say that an elephant in the living room should not be talked about.The facts are the facts; for a myriad of reasons people are drawn into affairs and the truth is it simply is not as black and white as many people want to think that it is. Of course there are lots of examples of people who are simply not trustworhty and cannot seem to commit when it comes to relationships and marriage. We all know those stories. The other side of the coin however, is that good people DO have affairs. And just as there are short term affairs that are flings there are also long term affairs that are deep love affairs.Sometimes the one in the marriage has been hurt and hurting for a long time. The reason they do not go ahead and divorce is connected with a myriad of complexities; family expectations, property issues, social status, as well their own personalities and simply not wanting to have to deal with any more pain in their lives as well as not wishing to cause others close to them any pain. Not wanting to hurt either their spouse or their children they feel caught in an agonizing situation. As an Episcopal priest I know this to be a fact.I am very grateful to Mira Kirshenbaum for having the courage to write this much needed book. I only hope that down the road she will address the issue of the unmarried person in the affair; usually the woman, as well as the issue of how adult children play into the reason why their parents feel they cannot extricate themselves out of a marriage that for all intents and purposes died a natural death long before the affair began in the first place.While this book is focused on the married partner in an affair, it is still very helpful for the single partner. Indeed it was the single partner in such a situation who told me about the book in the first place. Knowing that someone like Mira Kirshenbaum is out there; not only recognizing the reality of these situations but looking into the causes and the solutions, is like water flowing into a dry desert for those who find themselves caught in what can be a very lonely place.

The author classifies the affairs, which I believe helps anyone in finding the underlying causes (probably unconscious) for their affair. It's not about judgement rather understanding.

very interesting and useful book due to its personal approach and easy to read style .... Really helps apply a process / give way forward for anyone finding their lives confused as a result of a relationship breakdown

It did provide much needed clarity but found it a bit too black and white in the advice at times

Maybe this book deserves three stars, I'm just not sure how to quantify it.This book has potential and can be very helpful. However, I found most of this book to be too superficial. The strategies to make amends near the end of the book seem very helpful but the meat of this book fails to deeply promote accountability nor does it take into consideration real life scenario is such as mental health issues...often the trigger for an affair. It seems like the author simply suggests to do what makes someone happy. Major life decisions such as what to do after an affair should be based on the strong foundational principles that drive our own personal lives (which she does mention) but the theme of the book seems to be be more in line with dating relationships rather than marriages.I do think this book can be helpful. Just be very cautious.

A autora usa sua experiência para guiar o leitor a descobrir as razões que o levaram a esta situação e o ajuda a enxergar a realidade como ela é. Também deixa claro os prós e contras de cada escolha. Um bom livro para quem teve/está tendo affair como para quem vê/sabe desta situação de seu companheiro, pai ou mãe. Para o segundo grupo, ajuda muito a entender como alguém que você julga bom, amoroso e bem intencionado pode tomar uma atitude que levará quem os mais ama a uma dor intensa.