To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma Hardcover – March 26, 2019

I used this book as a reading in my Life Span Human Development course for masters and doctoral students and they loved it. They were so engaged with the ideas -- so much so that "Millwood" was constantly quoted in their papers and exam essays. The book was accessible but also smart. They felt they learned not only about the changes that happen after a couple has a baby, and the sociological context in which these changes occur, but also and maybe even primarily about attachment as it plays out in the lifespan of a couple. Central to the book is the conceptualization of the couple through attachment theory. Millwood's stories about the women and men she's known through her couples counseling practice, (and I would refer any couple to her!), show very human struggles of real people in a moment of crisis, a crisis that can't help but reflect earlier histories that revolve around wanting to be special, needed, supported, and loved. Beautifully and movingly written, married couples, whether they're about to have children, have them, or never want them, will see themselves here. And they'll feel in good company with this author who is just revealing enough to let readers know she's "been there." Finally, what I think I love most about this book, is that she doesn't have a final chapter telling moms what to do. After talking the talk of self-love, patience, and care, to give women a list of things to do to "fix" things would be contradictory and a real problem. Instead she helps readers to deepen their thinking and she validates what they are going through. As any great therapist might, she validates that what parents are experiencing is important and real and she reassures them that they are in good company. In so doing, she trusts that they will come up with their own solutions to this tricky period of a couple's life.

Beautifully written with compassion and empathy by a psychologist/psychotherapist who is also a wife and mother, this book is a lifeline of support and understanding to all new, and even not so new, mothers who are struggling with the emotional, psychological and physical changes that inevitably occur within themselves and within their partnerships after they become mamas. The message that resonates throughout the pages...you are not alone, and what you are feeling is normal...will be a tonic of relief to so many who are feeling ashamed of their sadness or ambivalence during a time that we are told should be nothing but blissful. You can grieve the loss of your former “self,” dislike how completely disoriented you have become, and adore your baby with your entire being at the same time. The feelings of loss and gain can and should co-exist, and both should be acknowledged as true. There is so much more, moving insights into the communication issues and support struggles of parents/partners traveling through this often difficult territory ... this book is going to be my baby shower gift from now on!

Good so far, haven’t gotten to reach thoroughly.I bought this brand new though. Wasn’t expecting a used book or a new book in this condition for the price I paid.

As a new mom, I've struggled in a lot of ways, and because of my life circumstances, I haven't always had the support I felt lacking. Millwood is such an empathetic voice, free from judgment or criticism. I often found myself saying "yes! I know exactly what you mean. I've felt/said/experienced that." I felt seen and understood reading this book and learned how to deal with things like shame at negative feelings, unfounded mom guilt, and how to relate to and understand my spouse so I'm not only building a strong attachment to our child but also solidifying the existing attachment I have to my husband. I appreciated how she did not villanize men, but acknowledged how hard it is to become a new parent. I think every mom and dad should read this book. I will recommend it to anyone raising children who needs to know they're not alone in the struggle.

I foolishly read this in my few private moments after bringing my first babe home from the hospital. The intro starts by telling about the author's long, long journey to finding happiness in motherhood. In my hormonal state after a traumatic birth, this didn't seem like great news. 😂Luckily, I came back to it a few weeks later, when the weepies had ended. This book changed my life. The author explores the similarities and tensions between marriage and motherhood - how the two relationships will sometimes feel in conflict, but how they also challenge and amaze us in similar ways. This felt like liberation for me. She speaks so tenderly of the doubts and worries of a new mom, the grieving for lost freedom, the fear of losing yourself, but also of the magic moments with her children and the small ways we can begin to build our families to make sure all needs are met - even (especially?) Mom's.Don't read it postpartum like I did. But do read it. And buy it for every independent, creative, intelligent mom you know. She will find inspiration and hope here.

This book has SO many amazing truths about motherhood in it. It helped me work through my identity crisis that is so common to new moms and put words to many of the emotions I was feeling. It offers encouragement and makes you feel less alone, while giving motivation to keep moving forward in motherhood with less judgment, and more grace for both yourself and your kid(s). I just re-read this after having my second child because it is that good

I appreciated the approachability yet well supported nature of this book. Weaving her personal and clinical experience- Milwood presents a space for mothers to embrace the chaos.