The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How To Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On Paperback – June 26, 2014

(Note: This review attempts to assess the book's usefulness for Christians struggling with how to deal with an adulterous spouse.)It's been ages since I picked up a book where, upon turning the last page, I found myself asking, "That's it?!" Not because the book was bad, not because the conclusion was ill-suited for the pages that preceded, but because the experience of reading it was so good, it couldn't be time for it to end. There had to be more. Please, could there be more?Such was my experience reading Tracy Schorn's *The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity.*If you've recently discovered that your spouse or partner was cheating on you, or even if D-Day is some number of months/years behind you and you're still struggling to heal, this book is a must-read, for three main reasons:(1) ***It will help you understand your adulterous spouse's behavior.*** Schorn holds that cheating is an inherently narcissistic act and that cheaters cheat because they feel entitled to. Why do they keep their "chump" (that's the gullible, faithful spouse, hence the book's title) on the line instead of filing for divorce and/or getting out of the chump's life completely? It all goes back to their ego, what Schorn calls "kibble supply." The cheater loves having the attention of both the affair partner and the chump, so the cheater will keep trying to draw the chump into triangulation with the affair partner. While my own faithless spouse did want a divorce, I found his "let's still be buddies" routine absolutely bizarre--until I read this book. Then it all made sense.(2) ***It will give you a solid plan of action.*** Raging at your faithless spouse is just one more way of satisfying their narcissist tendencies because you're still reinforcing their view that the universe is All About Them, Schorn teaches you. You want to get to what she calls "meh"--to a point where you no longer care about anything that is happening in their life. The next part was the part that I really found useful: "no contact." Schorn recommends going completely "no contact" if you do not have children with the cheater, "as little contact as possible" if you were unfortunate enough to breed with them. I never would have thought to implement this strategy with my own faithless spouse, but I have to say, it has been refreshing. The longer I go without being drawn into whatever drama him and his (now ex-)mistress have been creating, the better I feel.(3) ***It's funny as all get, and if you're going through this, you could use a good laugh.*** I would sometimes just read sections of it to my commuter buddies, and it would always draw in a round of laughter. Schorn has talent in this department.I do have some quibbles with the book--you know, beyond its inability to defy the laws of physics and become The Neverending Self-Help Book. I wish that it said more about understanding the Other Man / the Other Woman and whether or not to confront the affair partner. My own experience led me to conclude that you should never confront an affair partner unless s/he does not know they are an affair partner--and then you only confront the AP for his/her benefit. In terms of saving the marriage, it's a pointless exercise, because the AP isn't the problem, the problem is that one spouse is a cheater and a cheater's gonna cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Even if the confrontation gets rid of the first AP, either they will quietly rekindle their relationship later, or another affair partner is sure to take his/her place. I wish this was in the book.The emotional affair is another subject not covered in the book. Schorn has stated on her blog that she "doesn't give [emotional affairs] the same weight as having a physical affair." Well, no, I wouldn't give them the same weight, either; emotional affairs do not carry the possibility of the horrifying bodily consequences of physical adultery---STDs, paternity uncertainty, love children, etc. Emotional affairs are a quieter kind of insidious in their marital destruction precisely because a spouse can carry one out without fully realizing s/he is having an affair, all the while insisting "it's just friendship." So one is like John Carpenter's *The Thing* (subversive and difficult to recognize) and one is like the creature from *Alien* (everyone knows what it is once they see it). Are they the same weight? No, but they are both monsters that will rip your world apart.I also think Schorn is harder on the possibility of reconciliation than I would be. She likens true reconciliation with the adulterous spouse to a unicorn, a creature that does not and never has existed. As a Christian, I would probably liken true reconciliation to an angel. I think angels exist, but most of the people who claim they have seen one are probably full of crap. Likewise, I think reconciliation and freedom from the sin of adultery can happen, but most couples who say their marriage survived adultery and now they're happier and healthier than ever are probably kidding themselves. The Gospel account of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11) implies that there is such a thing as turning away from adultery for good and being restored, so I believe in it, but I think it is a rare thing.Finally, I'd like to caution that this is not a Christian book. Schorn says she is a "Methodist preacher's kid," but I do not know whether she would identify as a believer now (though she has certainly shown respect and sympathy for religion on her blog). What this means is that this book won't help you work through what Christian forgiveness of an unrepentant adulterous spouse looks like. Also, Schorn has a potty-mouth and the book contains ample swearing.If those are all things you think you can handle, then I would recommend this book, even for Christians. Maybe especially for Christians needing to heal from adultery. We're told so often to be nice, "like Jesus," we forget that Jesus was the guy who chased people out of the temple with a whip and said more about hell than any other figure in the Bible. There are times for righteous anger and times for aggressive action. Being married to an unrepentant adulterer is one of them.

I chanced upon the Chump Lady blog 3 months ago, about 7 months after my "D-day" and discovering my partner had been cheating on me the entire time we were together. Although I'd immediately sought individual counseling in the aftermath of this devastating news, and friends and family tried their best to be sympathetic and supportive, being cheated on is a sucker punch like no other. If it hasn't happened to you--and even if it has--it's hard to fully comprehend, much less articulate, the sickening impact infidelity can have on every aspect of your life and the lives of your children. Finding the Chump Lady blog felt a bit like finding the Rosetta Stone and being able to decode, through Tracy Schorn's posts and all the other chump narratives, my own experience. The voices at Chump Nation are the first to really speak to me in language that makes sense and feels authentic. Instead of focusing on my cheating partner, I am encouraged to put my own narrative and my own healing front and centre, thereby giving me back the power I felt I'd lost so completely. Every morning, I go onto the blog and laugh and cry through the postings, and day by day I feel more empowered and more myself. More, I feel safe for the first time in a long time. I feel ratified. My counselor has noted the tremendous progress I've made and is now recommending the blog to her other patients.I'm pleased to say that the Chump Lady Guide contains the best parts of the blog while being a bit more streamlined and easy to navigate--important qualities for those recently-chumped. Ms. Schorn has a no-nonsense yet supportive and reassuring manner, and if my house were ever burning down, she's the kind of firefighter I hope would arrive at my house and guide me to safety. Is the language occasionally raw? Sure it is, but then so is the experience of getting chumped. After years of gaslighting and half-truths from my partner, and sugarcoated professional advice that kept me in a state of limbo, I find Ms. Schorn's tough love and straight-talking humour both refreshing and galvanizing. The awesome cartoons are just gravy.Chump Lady didn't get me unstuck--I did and continue doing that by myself. But the blog and the book made me realize that the powerful choices I was looking to make were inside me all along. I really hope this is the first book that anyone who's been cheated on is lucky enough to find, and I really can't recommend it or the blog strongly enough. When Ms. Schorn gets around to doing a second edition or a follow-up volume, I hope she'll be able to include some case studies/personal stories of chumps, and of course, more of her brilliant cartoons.

This book should be mandatory reading for everyone who has been cheated on. Tracy Schon not only describes the chump/cheater experience incredibly accurately (my cheating ex husband ticked absolutely every item on her list including the "you'd like her if you met her" one which I had always believed was reserved for his particular brand of insensitivity and dickishness) but does so in compelling style.The book is very readable and very informative and I loved her individual approach to this topic (for example the "throw you down the stairs" concept) which makes issues really clear. By far the best of any of the (many) relationship breakdown books I have read.

Great book, bought this book after a friend showed me the blog. From the first page it made me take a whole different look at what has happened in my life with my ex and present the true facts about infidelity. I recognise my relentless cheating ex in every part of this book, in fact if a manual was written about him this book would be it!! I wish I had read this book the first time I caught him with his pants down but feel stronger than ever to have read it now. It is a no nonsense no bull 'xxxx' reflection on cheating partners and how to deal with their sociopath ways and move on......Chump Lady, I thank you!!!

I really wish I had discovered Tracy Schorn when I first became a Chump. But, even after 17 months, this book and Tracy's website has helped me a huge amount. This book explains how you are feeling. You are definitely not the only person to have gone through this, although it feels like it at the time. I am now 17 months cheater free and I am carving out a new life. It's not easy and sometimes I feel very down however, when I do, I pick up this book and it puts everything into perspective again. I love this book so much I feel like sending a copy to my husbands new girlfriend. Let's face it, she's going to need it.

Just the best thing that I've read on this massive subject. Concise, to the point, and skipping out lots of BS that others are selling (and that I have paid for) for 100's of £'s giving false hopium to sad souls looking for a virtual shoulder to cry on, or for a hope of reconcilliation.This book has saved me tears, breaths, words, and also saved my friends hours of sad sap uneccesary conversations of self loathing, self blaming, and incorrect assumptions about affair blame and infidelity.It wasn't your fault. THEY made a choice. You didn't cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control them. The best summation that you'll find anywhere.

This book helped/empowered me through the first fortnight of my breakup.I just needed that constant reminder that it wasn't my fault and life goes on!Not the book for you if you don't like swearing though!