But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

I want to thank Dr. Campbell for sharing her insight into family displays of narcissistic behavior. As a woman in her seventies with an increasingly toxic older sister, I've read many good books and articles on narcissism, many of which were helpful as far as they went. "But It's your Family..." met me right where find myself now- informed and aware of my role in our sibling dysfunction, but not really knowing how to heal and move forward after choosing estrangement over manipulation. Having just finished this book, I better understand the things I need to keep in mind as I remain "no contact" in order to live peacefully. Thank you Dr. Campbell. I highly recommend this book for those who need encouragement to make their own decisions free of anyone else's judgmental abuse.

If you're already well into your toxic-family journey, you probably won't find this book as eye-opening as I did. But it was the first full book I read on this topic and it was the first time I felt seen. Not long after reading it, I sought out Dr. Campbell and began seeing her as a client—I say that not solely in full disclosure for this review, but also to note that I have what might be a unique perspective in understanding what she writes and what she says. First off, I am not religious. There is a section called "What About God?" that I skipped without even thinking twice about. It's 10 pages, and if the Christian angle is helpful for you, it's there. As for the remaining chapters, I did not pick up any religious undertones. (As a half-Jewish kid raised in the Bible Belt, believe me, I'm pretty sensitive to that type of thing...) Also, there are several personal stories in this book. Those stories were helpful for me because they served as real-life examples of this type of toxic behavior playing out on a varied spectrum. Each time, the stories reminded me: Yes, this is real; yes, people act like this; no it's not in your head. It made me feel less of that "I must be misreading it" feeling that many of us have in the initial stages of discovering toxic family patterns. Because that's what this exploration is about: patterns. This book helped me realize I was trying to navigate persistent patterns vs. the occasional/excusable one-off. I found myself wanting to highlight tons of parts of this book, but I'll share the sections I found particularly helpful on first read. If these types of insights feel remedial for you, you'll probably want to wait for if Dr. Campbell writes a follow-up book with deeper dives into strategies, research, etc. because this is not that. As for strategies, there is a chapter devoted to no-contact. You might be interested to know that one of the first things Dr. Campbell said to me when I spoke with her was this: "No-contact is not the 'goal.' If we get there, we get there, but I want you to know I'm not advocating for that. I'm here to support you in what works best for you." That was a weight lifted, because I wasn't ready to commit to any certainties yet. I was still exploring, still trying to understand the family dynamic I was in. If you're in a similar "early" spot in figuring things out, this is a great book that clearly outlines healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors, toxicity within families and the roles everyone can take on (ie, scapegoat, golden child). Overall, I highly recommend "But It's Your Family..." as a first step in exploring the dynamics of toxic families!

My only regret is this book didn't come out 20 years ago (I'm 66). Started with a highlighter but had to switch to pen underlining cause I was highlighting every page like a coloring book. Shared book with friends and they instantly identified my parents and siblings who I FINALLY cut off. The only thing that was missing was anything about physical abuse, but as far as mental abuse the book was A++++

The first four, and last two chapters were read as the others didn't pertain. Lots of highlighting and validation. The book had a bit of a hostile overtone, perhaps understandably, but it made it a bit hard to read. One observation was that I found the author didn't need to separate the toxic parents into two groups. I would have preferred to read about them as just 'toxic parents types' rather than assigned to a particular sex. My experience was that both parents overlapped in categories for both. I have read a number of books about neglect, narcissistic abuse, etc. in recent years, so nothing I had not read before. That said when I finished, I did feel like shouting from the rooftop "There is nothing wrong with me! I was brainwashed!!!" Yahoo!

This book gave me additional understanding on how it is okay to do the most difficult thing a mother or daughter has to do to protect my own emotional sanity. It is written with the depth and understanding of someone who has “walked through the shadow” of a relationship that has to end. Thankfully, the understanding that it is a beginning, not an end, is extremely valuable. Thank you Sherri

Good read

Dr. Campbell is very knowledgeable about getting rid of toxic family members. There are so many things that I can relate to in my family and myself. I feel I have learned a lot from Dr. Campbell’s personal experience. This was not a book that I would normally pick up and read. I am thankful for the experience and knowledge that I have gained from reading “But It’s Your Family”.

One of the biggest obstacles to cutting ties with those that continue to hurt you is that our family is our family and we have to keep them in our lives. We don't. This is the book one needs to receive permission to claim your own life back from those who feel that they have the right to forever pour their poison down your throat. Blood is not thicker than freedom. This book will help you to claim your life, live it as you see fit and release yourself from family who wants to keep you around to such the life out of you.

EDIT: I read the whole book within a few days. It was just an incredible read. I was amazed at how near identical the authors story is to my own. Also, all the various personality traits that are listed throughout the book that relate to people who are considered narcissistic, manipulative and evil are EXACTLY like my mother! I read this book out aloud to my wife after chapter one right to the end because I wanted to see if she agreed how spot on the author is with her descriptions of these dangerous, pathetic and evil relatives. My wife couldn’t believe how the author got it 100% right. We left it for over a year and now we’ve started reading the book again from the start! This book has helped me realise that NOTHING was my fault and that my behaviour was nothing other than ordinary. It made me realise how evil, manipulative, childish, game-playing, unsupportive, unloving and dangerous my mum is. And since reading the first time my sister has turned toxic and it turns out she was the ringleader all along; the one stirring the pot and causing the trouble behind our backs with lies. So now I can see how spot on the author is with her descriptions of toxic siblings too. Seriously… I wish I could give the author a massive hug and tell her how much she’s helped!! If you’re reading this… im forever grateful for you putting this book together but of course sad that it took a lifetime of unhappiness and toxicity from those who should have loved you, to put this together. Original review …. I am only a third of the way through this book and already I am completely blown away at how good it is. In fact, I read just the first few pages to my wife and we were amazed by then at just how utterly great this book is. It’s hard to believe that I didn’t write this myself, because every word so far is about something I can relate to. Not just the descriptions of a toxic parent/mother but the author’s own experiences and how she describes her mother is identical to my own situation and mother. Again, I’m only a few chapters in and have many more to go, but I absolutely love this and cannot wait to read the rest tomorrow. My wife has supported me tremendously recently thru my awful experiences with a toxic mother, father and sister all of which have without any justification whatsoever fallen out with me last year. My wife was so interested in this book that she allowed me to read it out aloud to her also. She is amazed like me at the similarities between the authors toxic family and my own. I got this book for a bit of help coping with the three terribly sad incidents that led to misunderstandings which ended my relationships with mum, dad and sister. As I’m only a third thru this book I haven’t ventured amongst the chapters relating to recovery, healing and learning to love yourself. But I am excited to read it. This is not necessarily a self help book. There are ways to help through the sad times, but a lot of what Sherrie writes about is to do with her own experiences, as well as those of her clients who come to see her. But this isn’t a bad thing. I feel sad that she has been thru so much in her life, but relating to it myself makes me feel like I am not alone. Knowing that toxic mothers share the same awful personality defects confirms to me that it’s not me that’s imagining things and that these family destroying people all share the same traits. If you’re after a book which just lists a load of ways in which you can get help, then this is not for you. This is a real life story book with descriptions of toxic people you will relate to, mixed with helpful suggestions of the recovery and healing processes. I cannot recommend this book enough and want to thank Sherrie for writing such an amazing publication. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and both professional and personal tips for getting back to normality.

The book is helpful and outstanding?

Questo libro mi ha aiutato tanto. Ha dato un nome a quanto sentivo ma non riuscivo a capire. Grazie all’autrice che ha dedicato la sua esperienza ad aiutare altri con gli stessi problemi. Un libro che, se si vuole, può fare da divisore di acque.

Very insightful and such a personable book. Very grateful I stumbled upon it. Has been a revelation and a confirmation of what I've always felt. Definitely a must read! Especially if you are in a toxic environment.

Very objectively written with multiple practical examples. A must read for all especially for people who are undergoing a similar situation in life. A great self help read. Thank you so much Dr. Sherrie