The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top

I read Steve Santagati's Manual driven by the same curiosity that compels men to page through copies of Cosmo at a girlfriend's house. We don't subscribe to those magazines, so somehow they immediately create intrigue. So in part it was voyeurism, and in part I wanted to explore what lessons were being taught to women by one of our own. I read through a few of the reviews here where Santagi was demonized as a pig, and I guess I'm here to say that whether or not that happens to be true, what the ladies should be curious about is whether or not his comments are accurate or reflective of most men. While I will admit that his delivery is a bit crude, guys can be too sometimes, so overdoing it is probably a better tact than sugarcoating things. I'll gladly confirm that for better or for worse, much of what he says is pretty accurate for most guys (we're sorry we're superficial, but we're just made that way ... and in my experience, even brilliant women like to be loved for their looks too). All Steve is saying is that it won't make you any less of a success to take advantage of this fact and accentuate it -- which isn't very different from a guy realizing that there's nothing wrong with his masculinity.After serving as a shoulder to cry on more than once for my mystified and confused female friends, I've wanted at times to write a book much like this, though mine would probably have been more scientific, and perhaps even less PC. If you are curious about the scientific underpinning of the fundamental truths Steve seems to have learned in the real world, read Nancy Etcoff's "Survival of the Prettiest" or Geoffrey Miller's "The Mating Mind." Men and women are profoundly DIFFERENT on a neurological level. There's no moral judgment about it, and the more that we can learn to accept and embrace these differences, the happier we'll become. Any trait taken to extremes becomes unappealing, and most everything that irritates women about men (and vice-versa) is something that in moderation is often very attractive.There's a big trend now, typified by VH1's "The Pick Up Artist" and Neil Strauss's "The Game" for men to explore the psychology of the female mind and leverage that into success in the dating world. When taken too far, this can be manipulative and disgusting, but in moderation, it does actually help some guys get over their issues or hurdles into being more comfortable in their skins. For me the moment when I realized just how different male and female minds were, I was in High School. I remember when I was first told by a brilliant beautiful girl I crushed on that she wanted confidence more than anything else in a man, and I remember thinking, "Huh? Not kindness, attractiveness, intelligence, or talent?" "You want confidence even if he boldly charges in wrongheaded directions?" "Yep. I don't know quite why it is, but it's still hot," was the reply, although she couldn't explain what made her feel that way any better than I can with my fascination with ponytails.So our predilections are no more difficult for you to understand than yours are to us. Here's an illustrative story of the parallels between male and female thinking from the other side: Recently I was at a trendy downtown Manhattan restaurant, when Mystery, the host of "The Pickup Artist" walked in, all gangly six-foot six inches of his goth-looking overdone self, and I pointed him out to my tablemates. After an explanation of who he was to the girls at our table, and grudging admissions that we'd seen his show or read Mr. Strauss's book from all the guys, one of the girls (a highly educated, intelligent and stunning catch herself) proclaimed that she was certain that "confidence couldn't be taught." Well, she sure was wrong. The guy who brought her there on a date (also a handsome and successful match himself) had recently transformed himself from insecure to comfortable around women in part through Strauss's teachings. And the whole world of women never would have learned or experienced what a great guy he was unless someone had taught him a thing or two about female evolutionary psychology. Santagati's just trying to do the same thing for women that Strauss did for men. All sorts of girls with amazing personalities reject the notion of playing up their beauty on moral grounds. Sadly, the results of this are that lots of guys never meet truly amazing women who hide behind baggy clothes or overdone fashion.Santiago tries to teach a few very accurate lessons: (1) Guys can't be analyzed through the lens of the female psyche. Our minds are too different for it to be intuitive. Instead you should educate yourself on what men say men want, because we may be many things, but we do usually say what we want. (2) Yes we are superficial, but we LOVE women and we want to see you as your best selves so we can smother you with affection. (3) Taking advantage of your looks isn't unethical or anti-feminist, a guy becomes attracted to you for physical assets, but STAYS for your personality (it's not wrong, it's just the way nature made us). (4) If you refuse to take advantage of the triggers for male attraction, chances are you won't find the guy you deserve (and he won't find you), so you will settle for a relatively boring guy instead. The differences between the sexes are a large source of excitement, and denying this will probably lead to antiseptic, dull relationships. (5) Don't listen to your female friends about how to get a guy or what to wear -- literally everything you do to impress your female friends will doom you with men. I've always been curious about why women spend so much effort on themselves, but that it's always put in the wrong places. I can't even count the number of times when I've seen a woman in a grossly unflattering outfit, only to hear her friends tell her how adorable it is. I don't know if this is intentional sabotage or not, but it isn't pretty. There are women out there who've spent loads of money on botox or handbags, but there isn't a single guy out there who will remember a girl for her trendy clothing. Meanwhile there are plenty of girls who are out of shape but carrying lustworthy accessories, whose time and money would have been better spent in a gym or ditching the car for a day to walk or bike, and there are others who obsess about trivial aspects of their appearance like wrinkles or noses while covering up terrific assets. Men rarely care about the details women fixate on. We see women holistically instead. For every woman down on her skin, there's a man who thinks she has amazing hair and never even notices her skin. The converse is doubtless true as well.None of these insecurities are surprising. I know that the pressures that are put on women are Herculean and absurd. Success and family all before 30 or 35 ... while keeping in great shape? Virgin and whore at the same time? Sexy, but successful and appreciated for your mind not your body? They're unachievable paradoxes and it simply isn't fair! "Us Weekly" runs profiles on women who are too skinny and too fat in the same issue. It's all a little much.But if you pause for a moment and consider where this criticism comes from, believe it or not, it's usually not guys. In my experience, and that of any girl who's gone through the social hell that is Junior High, it's usually the female peer group that's toughest on women! I rarely hear guys call women derogatory words unless they're overreacting from a recent heartbreak or breakup, but I hear girls say those words all the time about their FRIENDS! Guys are usually pretty accepting of body image. All you really need to do to look great is to stay healthy and in-shape and not let the media or advertising deceive you into believing that trivial problems are major. I find the little signs of aging and maturity profoundly attractive ... it's just that our American corn-starch diet-soda sedentary lifestyle is not. Men love the whole woman, not her eyeliner. So if women could only accept their complete beauty without worrying about what Maybelline tells them, I think we'd have a lot of happier people out there. Frankly, I've always found the Dove commercials with the plus-sized models fascinating: The commercials told you to accept your body for being overweight ... but then they replaced that insecurity with another, telling you that you had to buy their cream or moisturizer or suffer the horrors of cellulite (yet another thing guys could probably care less about). The cosmetics industry is made up of total hypocrites. The purveyors of unachievable body image are often those interested in making you feel bad about yourself so they can sell their products.In summary, I'm a nice guy at heart, but I have a bit of a "bad guy" side. While I would love to be appreciated for my merits alone, I've realized that the "bad guy" side generates a lot more interest from women that just being a good guy. It's not necessarily the way that I'd like things to be, but it is the way the world works. Even if it's not what I wanted to hear, understanding that dichotomy does make for a more satisfying life than ignorance would have. So while some of what Steve says may not sit well, guys do respond to appearance in a way that isn't necessarily intuitive or satisfying to women. Yes, beauty is important to men, but the beauty we like is actually often far more achievable than the one society tells you to strive for. So don't get angry about men not finding you attractive while using that as an excuse for staying out of shape. It's no more attractive than self-loathing is in men. Instead, embrace a healthy lifestyle and a physically flattering style of dress. That, in turn will reflect in your self image, so you can project that happiness into your life. For guys, a world of women comfortable with the influence of their physicality would be an immensely satisfying place to live ... and it won't be so bad for women to understand the affects it has on their well-being either.

First - this book is a very easy read - short chapters, daily language, not rocket science. Second - Steve is a typical Boston guy, who loves women who look 'good' (not trampy) & who can support her look with a sharp brain & sense of humor.Some of the reviewers are offended by his advice, but honestly? - he's right on most of his tips. One example: my friend & I tried the home improvement store tip - it worked. And we didn't dress provacatively either. We met 2 of the guys, who 'responded', for lunch that afternoon & had a ball!!!!Most American guys love long hair on women, but Steve, I just had 4 inches cut off mine so it's fairly short & I'm getting a lot more looks now - but that's okay - the rest of your book is an enjoyable & enlightening read. I shared it with one friend and have 2 more on the wait list.If you've seen Steve on Oprah, or the Today show, this book is totally reflective of who he is on those shows - "a typical guy" (as he calls himself)- so what you see is what you get - pure Steve - in his writing.To my single sisters - get this book, read it during your commute, you'll smile for the day, & think about ways & places to try some of Steve's advice. Really. . . :)

I am 41 and recently divoriced. I was never into dating when I was younger and the thought of starting now was quite intimidating. I bought this book hoping for some insights into what is expected/done in dating today.The writing was easy to follow and light-hearted. I chuckled at the anecdotes and analogies. The tips on flirting were obvious. What men want, again obvious.I have never been attracted to bad boys. I also could never understand why most women found them attractive - still can't. In the quiz he provides, I answered yes to only 5 of the bad boy questions. However, I've known men like him and had fun verbally 'playing' with them when I was single, but there was no way I would ever get into a relationship with any of them.I've also talked with men around my age and they all seem to have out-grown the things Steve describes as what all men want. Throughout the book I kept coming back to the fact that it is geared more towards men and woman ages 20-35. Most men I know over 35 are actually looking for committed relationships. They are all "tired of games" and not interested in "players" (and yes, all of them actually use those words).If you are young, then I would recommend this book for insight into male thought patterns. However, older adults probably won't get much out of it.

Okay. For the record most of the Manual is pretty fun to read, and actually gives some pointers that a lot of women could use. Strangely daft women who are desperate and find men to be such a tricky elusive species maybe, but some women nonetheless.Santagati is of course a rarity..he's got the rugged middle aged Marlboro man good looks that suited him well when he was a 20something model and was making us all swoon over GAP ads back in the 80s. So maybe he can call the shots with his lady... but the average Joe in his sansabelts and pudgy backside is going to get kicked in the neck for telling his lady to wear something sexier. The push up bra, the high heel, the tight skirt. Come on Steve, we're not all wired like that...And some of us don't want men to respond to us in THAT way...like those who have gone to school for decades and have big jobs and run companies and families and real estate empires? Yea, them. The breadwinners. So, we'll pinch our toes and IPEX if and when we want to thank you very much...But this is not news. Men are visual and they like to imagine you naked. No! Really?My favorite line from the book is the one about cooking him dinner...don't make him something that will give you bad breath or gas...good advice Steve. All in all, no harm done, but it does have the air of a kinda pushy bossman feel about it. I was left wondering...What have you done for ME lately?

OK, so I am giving 3 stars as the book actually contains some very useful information (don't jump to conclusions here, read further on) even though the title is misleading.So the book is called:The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--And What Women Can Do to Come Out on Topbut in my opinion a more appropriate title might be:The Insight: A True Bad Boy Explains How Bad Men Think, Date, and Mate--And What Women Can Do to Avoid ThemFor one - the author is wrong in asserting that all women want bad boys - that is a stereotype and purely author's conviction - I as a woman want to stay clear of such "bad boys" so why on earth would I want to come out on top, unless the coming out on top means successfully recognizing them for what they are and managing to steer clear of them ?From this perspective, unlike some reviewers I don't believe the book is all that bad - it does contain an invaluable insight into the mind of a genuinely bad guy who explains the workings of such a bad guy's mind and I think that the author does so really well. I have personally been unfortunate enough to come across this type of men and how I wish I'd known what I do now after reading this book. Yes, some of the info in this book is brutally honest and not pleasant to read at all - as I think for the author the coming out on top actually means "managing to be sexy and pleasing to the bad guys so they actually pay attention to you". For example the author states that as soon as a guy lands a sight on you he is running an internal `expiration clock" - you read that right ! As in he already knows what time he wants to spend with you and how. Yeah, for bad guys that's what they might think like, the other men hopefully realize that women are real human beings who are not to be classified according to how the bad guy may wish to use them. Again, as a woman why on earth would I want to spend any time with anyone who regards human beings in this manner ? The author also claims that he truly loves women and clearly wants to distinguish himself from the "users and abusers" but then he goes on to mention how he was at one moment dating 17! women all at once and how one lucky lady made him forget all about the other 16! and had the author commit to dating only her. It seems that the book is full of such logical fallacies.All in all, if you want your teenage daughter to be well equipped to knowing bad guys and their tricks so that she doesn't fall prey to them then this is an excellent book to read.Kudos to the author the book is funny and kind of well written, it does not drag on or anything and thus any young woman might actually enjoy reading and learning. For any "older" woman out there who has already had to deal with some bad guys this is an invaluable book too - they can stop blaming themselves for the past and see the bad guys for the pitiful and egoistic creatures with very little in the higher values department to speak of that they are. I am not stating the author has no respect or is shallow - but the type of a guy who is described in the book unfortunately is.

Must read! It works, it is accurate, and although not the next Pulitzer prize, it reads easily and quickly.Small investment for big return, i.e not making the same mistakes again and again and understanding why you get the reactions you do get from men.

This book is a good fun. I would recommend it for all of the teenager girls facing with boys. I don't agree to call the self-confident boys constantly "bad-boys" but hey-ho, that's the style of Steve Santagati. Easy laugh with a cuppa! :)

What a load of croc. Basically this man has written this book expressing the type of woman he needs to keep him on his toes as he believes he is Gods gift. Don't waste your money.

Brilliant book. Painfully honest though and may cause offence for some but i do believe this is really how men think! I read this alongside Matthew husseys ' get the guy ' and would really recommend!