The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study Paperback – September 19, 2001

Divorce is hard and I wanted to know the impact it may have on my daughter. It was very eye opening.

The late Dr. Judith Wallerstein was a very important family researcher on the topic of divorce and children. She did a key study from 1971 to 1996 following 60 divorcing families in Marin County, California. She tracked those 60 families for 25 years and finished the study with the 45 remaining families.Although she described negative effects of divorce on children later in life, she also wrote that sometimes divorce is best for children, reporting that growing up in a high-distress two-parent family has “tragic” consequences for children in their adult years. Wallerstein had screened out children who had seen a mental health professional, and picked families who had normal children.For example,1. Wallerstein found that 7 in 10 children of divorce in her study turned out "average," "very well," or "outstanding." (See p. 333). Far from concluding that children are "destroyed by divorce," Wallerstein found that most were doing well in life.—“At the twenty-five-year follow-up we found that 30 percent of the participants in our study were doing poorly, with functioning significantly impaired and below average. Thirty-four percent were in the average range, and 36 percent were doing very well to outstanding in all areas of their life tasks." —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 3332. She also said she wasn't against all divorce (p. xxxix)—“I am not against divorce. How could I be? I’ve seen more examples of wretched, demeaning, and abusive marriage than most of my colleagues. I’m keenly aware of the suffering… I’m also aware that for many parents the decision to divorce is the most difficult decision in their lives; they cry many a night before taking such a drastic step. —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix3. She pointed out that abusive homes are terrible for kids (p. 300)—“Children raised in extremely unhappy or violent intact homes face misery in childhood and tragic challenges in adulthood.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 300.4. She was troubled that people were misquoting her to suggest that divorce destroys kids (p. xxxix)—“And I am, of course, aware of the many voices on the radio, on television, and in certain… religious circles that say divorce is sinful… But I don’t know of any research, mine included, that says divorce is universally detrimental to children.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix5. She said the courts are missing the fact the merely observing abuse is bad for kids (p. 90)—“Many judges who deal with such families do not understand that merely witnessing violence is harmful to children; the images are forever etched into their brains. Even a single episode of violence is long remembered in detail. In fact there is accumulating scientific evidence that witnessing violence or being abused physically or verbally literally alters brain development resulting in a hyperactive emotional system.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 906. On the first page of the preface, Wallerstein writes that many kids of divorce turn out extremely successful (p. xiii)—“On the positive side, many young adults who weather their parents' divorce are extremely successful in their own careers, having learned how to be independent, resourceful, and flexible…. they are decent, caring adults who manage to build good marriages in spite of their fears.” p. xiii7. In fact, by 1989, Wallerstein was already saying that divorce was a rational solution to a bad marriage. And notice that she doesn't limit it to physical abuse. Seven-in-ten parents in her study were moderately or significantly emotionally troubled according to her 1980 book, “Surviving the Breakup,” (p. 328). This may explain why she saw didn’t see divorce itself as causing children’s problems. Mental illness has an effect of children, whether there is a divorce or not.—"Although our overall findings are troubling and serious, we should not point the finger of blame at divorce per se. Indeed divorce is often the only rational solution to a bad marriage. When people ask if they should stay for the sake of the children, I have to say, “Of course not." All our evidence shows that children turn out less well-adjusted when exposed to open conflict, where parents terrorize or strike one another, than do children from divorced families.” —Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, 1989, p. 321-3228. Wallerstein didn't feel it was best for people to stay in at cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely marriage "just for the kids":—"But for many other people, divorce is the best solution, and staying married "for the sake of the children" (as it is so often stated) is not the wiser path. When a marriage is cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely, divorce opens new opportunities to build a better life. The details of such unhappy marriages are often shocking. I met one couple who had not talked to each other in three years; they just passed notes back and forth. One man went to bed fully clothed every night for years, sending a not so subtle message to his wife beside him in the bed. Others brought lovers into the home when the spouse was away. In some marriages, in-laws invaded the home at all hours, leading one man to say, “She was never mine!" —Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, 1989, p. xxxiv9. In 2003, Judith Wallerstein authored another book on kids and divorce. When asked when is the “best” time to divorce, she wrote:—“The trouble is, there’s no simple answer… If there’s chronic violence at home, the answer is ‘the sooner the better,’ unrelated to the age of your child. By violence I mean physical attack—hitting, kicking, throwing objects—or chronic threats of physical violence. Exposure to violence has serious consequences for a child’s development that may last well into adulthood. They fear for your safety. They fear for themselves and their siblings. If there’s repeated high conflict in your marriage, accompanied by yelling, screaming, and pounding the table, then I’d also say the sooner the better... In some high-conflict homes, serious differences between the partners are a recurrent theme in everyday life.”—Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? (New York: Hachette Books, 2010), pp. 127-128.

This wonderfully researched book examines the lives of children of divorce over a span of twenty-five years. It shows that the challenges for divorced families, especially for the children, are complex and continue to transform society. It states that 45% first marriages break up, that the risk of divorce in second marriages is 60%, and that 25% of people today between ages 18-44 years have divorced parents.The difficulty of writing this article is that one can only make a few comments on a book and subject, the full consideration of which would take us very far. The first paragraph in the introductory chapter recounts a Sesame Street episode in which Kermit the frog interviews a little bird enquiring where she lived. The bird’s response is that she spends half her time happily playing in her mother’s nest, and the rest of the time frolicking in her father’s nest.This little story illustrates one of the many assumptions that this book comprehensively dispels. Many parents and policy makers assume that as soon as the marriage is dissolved, and parents attain their freedom from an unhappy union, that their children’s lives will exactly be as they were before. This book destroys this notion, and clearly shows the lasting effects of divorce on the children, and how it later shapes and even ruins their lives.The book represents the voices of these children. They have now grown up, and some have families of their own. They narrate their difficulties in dealing with the loneliness, anger, depression, drug abuse and even the violence in their own lives that followed the break-up of their families. They talk about the unpleasantness of hopping from one nest to another, often having little choice of how to spend their time, and feeling inferior to children from intact families. They are now forcing society to pay more attention at their interests.The book is written in five parts, like five short stories, with each section demonstrating the very unique challenges encountered by these children.Part one is about Karen James, a child forced by divorce to be a care-giver early in her life and continued to put the needs of others above her throughout her growing years. Her life is compared to Gary, a child of parents who decided to stay together despite their difficult marriage.Karen’s father was a successful dermatologist, and her mother worked in a floral shop. She regularly yelled at husband for not paying enough attention to the family. He also barked grievances at her. The situation got worse when Mrs. James lost her mother in an accident. Her husband became the principal target of her anger, as Mrs. James rapidly sunk into depression. Eventually and inevitably their marriage ended in divorce, as they continued their savage feud with their children looking on.With her father meeting and marrying someone else, Karen’s mother floundered from one relationship to the next. Karen, at a very young age, became a substitute parent for her siblings, and even for her mother. Her own childhood had ended early. She continued this habit of parenting others into her personal relationships: always feeling responsible for the problems of others.Her story is juxtaposed to that of Gary, who grew up in a home where the parents were unhappy with each other, but toughed it out despite their difficulties. Gary grew up, got married and had a family of his own. His parents had been a model for him of how to keep the family together, their unhappiness with each other notwithstanding.Part two is about Larry, a child raised in a family blighted by domestic violence, and the rage that tormented his life following the break-up of his parents’ divorce. He is compared to Carol, a young who like him witnessed scenes of parental violence without their breaking up.Part three is about Paula, who suffered from intense loneliness after the divorce when her mother took up studies and continued to work at the same time. Divorce brought about an economic nightmare for both her parents and her mother to make ends meet had to study and work at the same time. This not only led to the loss of structure in Paula’s life but also the constant presence of one of her parents. She was both fatherless and motherless.Part four is about Billy, a vulnerable child with special medical needs because he was born with congenital heart disease. Billy’s health made it difficult for him to adapt to the changed family environment. His mother quickly remarried and focused on her new family. His father was pre-occupied with sport and his business. Neither seemed sensitive to the time and attention required for Billy.Part five is about Lisa, who was raised in a family where every effort was made to ensure harmony. Her parents were determined after the divorce not to worsen their child’s suffering and often co-operated with each other. Lisa’s case leads to the question: Is not fighting enough? Does absence of conflict between divorced parents protect the child from suffering? However even this did not stem Lisa’s rage, even though she seemed to have adapted better than others following her parents’ divorce.Although her father was apparently happily remarried, there was a vast distance between Lisa and her parents than when her family was intact. She had to adapt to the two families, as she continued to hop from one parent to the other. As she grew from a child to a woman in her thirties, she still harboured fears about marriage.Her life mirrored those of many children of divorce (40% of them) who decide remain single as adults. Some of them like Lisa were co-habiting, others hop from one affair to another, and a few led very solitary lives. Lisa’s story illustrates that although the impact of divorce is immediately felt by children, it is in adulthood that they suffer the most: especially when they venture out in search of love.The book is an eloquent narrative of the aftermath of divorce and seeks to make us understand the long term impact on the children. The authors warn us that though we have a created a world where there is greater freedom for adults that this carries considerable and hidden costs. The authors wisely point out that their book is not a pronouncement against divorce. They are aware of the acute suffering of adults trapped in failed marriages. They are also equally aware that very few adults take the decision to divorce without due consideration. But they only wish to point out that while divorce may be beneficial to the parents, the consequences for the children are often dire. This book also seeks to assist those who are affected by divorce to rebuild their lives.This book is also for the policy makers: the judges and a whole array of other stake holders in the legal system: it urges them to pay more attention to the interests of children during and following a divorce. Wisely the authors conclude while it is necessary to improve the post-divorce culture, much more effort must be put in strengthening the institution of marriage.

It sheds a light over so many different topics... I am a child of remarriage and a stepmom myself. I read this book to better comprehend my husband and stepdaughter both whom I blessed to have in my life. No easy road though.

Anyone thinking of divorce should read this book.

Halfway through it and i am aleady making peace with my life and sense of my childhood. This book is EXCELLENT and i WISH i had read it in my teenage years as it would have saved A LOT of heartache! I do not regret this purchase pne bit as it was worth EVERY penny! I do not usually buy books like this so thats saying a lot

Finally, a book which acknowledges the experience of children of divorced families and the negative effects they have to live with, while all around them are telling them to 'get over it' and 'develop a thicker skin'.I really recommend this book to anyone who's parents got divorced and has then had their unhappiness dismissed and unacknowledged by both their family and the world in general.

A great book for any other children of divorce. It's a wonderful read and to see that I'm not the only one with certain struggles!