In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

A covert narcissist worked in my office for awhile. If you are not the narcissist, this can be a job- or career-killer for you, as they will try to kill your hopes and dreams and livelihood. They won't kill you physically but they will drain you of everything positive. It was a scary time. Thankfully my office wised up to the problem and he was fired. Meanwhile 13 months of working with him were the worst of the 25 years of my career.Books like this help you understand. And I think "understanding" is unfortunately about the best you can do. I found learning about the narcissist personality and tactics they will inflict on you help you to build armor around yourself. They will make you think YOU are the problem. You have to be strong and know that you are not the problem. Knowing their modus operandi helps you to counteract it. For example, don't fall for the gaslighting, consciously recognize when it's happening so you can protect yourself.I'm not sure anything can help you solve the problem. Every bit of advice I found said "non-communication" is the only solution. That's hard to do when the narc is a colleague on a small team and you MUST communicate. I found these helped me:-- Do not meet with the narc without someone else present. EVER. Because everything said will get twisted by the narc and make you look bad. You need someone else (a non-narc and a non-friend of the narc) so someone else can corroborate your side of the story. Believe me if you don't want your professional reputation ruined, DO NOT EVER MEET ALONE with a true narcissist. ESPECIALLY a covert narcissist. Also the narcissist will say negative things and use body language (eye rolls, scrunched up face) that may likely make you emotionally upset. Getting upset and recovering from it is very distracting when you have work to do. This treatment might be less likely to happen if there's someone else in the meeting who is your ally and not the narc's ally. And if the behavior does happen, someone else can corroborate your description of what happened. My workplace has a team environment, so it was easy in our culture to be sure someone else was always at meetings with our "office narc." Usually several people are working on a project together. If you don't have a team environment, you may have an office best friend who might be willing to help you by sitting in on meetings with you.-- Definitely do not ever meet behind a closed door with only you and the narcissist. Keep that door open, especially when there's people working outside the door who can overhear. You want them to overhear. If you meet with the narc alone, everything will get twisted, it's your word against theirs, and if you are not also a wolf, they will make you look bad. They're better at that game than you are. Keep the office or meeting room door open. If the narc wants to close a door, tell a white lie like the temperature isn't comfortable, you need air (who would argue with that?) etc. If the narc closes the door, get up and open the door again while saying this. It's not likely they will try to close the door again, unless they really are ridiculous. And yeah I think it's ridiculous that you have to get into games like this, but this is the destruction of reasonableness by narcissists.-- Instead of talking, communicate through email. You will have documentation of every instruction you give (that typically isn't followed, understood or it's argued with unprofessionally). And you will have documentation of every word the narcissist writes to you. You will likely see some really unprofessional behavior come from the narcissist. They can't help themselves. You will then have this documented. You want this. Usually they are so full of themselves that they will be unable to see that what they wrote is unprofessional. They will try to frame you as unprofessional. But you will have it in writing, in black and white, and any reasonable boss or HR rep will be able to see the truth. I did this and it helped other people see the true nature of the communications between me and our workplace narcissist. I can't emphasize the importance of this enough. DOCUMENT. Try to not discuss important things verbally. When things go wrong, it will become them vs you and you will have no documentation if communications are verbal.-- They may figure out what you're doing and accuse you of not talking to them. Our workplace narcissist did this to me. I responded very frankly (because the person's boss and a VP were in the meeting where we discussed my non-communication) that I had to communicate by email because when I didn't, the narcissist forgot things or didn't follow things. And they seemed to do better when instructions were given in email. And, to be honest, I wanted to create a papertrail about this. You can call it exactly what it is first, so they can't blame you for making a papertrail. There is nothing wrong with papertrails. Many office procedures are specifically designed to build papertrails. Our workplace narcissist's problem with following instructions was known to many. I stated a fact, I didn't get emotional in response to hist attack, and actually he admitted he had a problem remembering things and following instructions and he would try to do better. So ... know that you may get attacked for following these steps. Be prepared to defend yourself with a rational explanation. Documentation and papertrails are very rational and appropriate for the workplace.-- If the narc is your boss, look for another job. I'm sorry but having dealt with this personality, that is your only option to save yourself, your career reputation, and your livelihood. Wise up to it fast. It hurts but the situation won't change. Face reality and take the actions you need to get out.-- If you want to attack the narc, be prepared for their attack back at you, and be prepared that they will be very good at what they do when they attack you. They may attack you behind your back and you won't see it coming. This is why I recommend DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.-- Have good people in your personal life who can help support you. Focus on building and maintaining your good reputation at work with others. Get professional counseling if you must. You need to protect yourself. Work out your frustrations with exercise, try not to use too much alcohol or reality TV shows. :) I admit I wasn't so great at this last bit of advice -- bad TV is so good!! :)This review went way beyond the book - but this was what worked to help me, and I expect you are here because you're having a problem. My advice relates to workplace narcissists because I haven't yet run into one in my personal life. I hope my advice helps you! I wish all the best for you!

I lived with one of these people as a co-worker for a year and a half. Looking back, it took me about four months to figure out that there was something wrong. I managed to cope with this nut job for another 6 months, but traditional coping just did not work. In looking around for ways to further understand this person - starting the search with "toxic coworkers", I found books and articles that just didn't ring completely true. Then I found this book, and read a Kindle sample. Bang! Everything fit in place suddenly, I had found the issue at last. Everything clicked. And I mean, it begins with YOU feeling like YOU are doing something bad. And it's hard to describe the show to anyone else, it makes you feel like they think you are nuts and being unfair - "he's a nice guy, what do you mean?" It's what they do. I actually have become aware of another person practicing this and have watched that one from afar. It's absolutely amazing.The book was essential for dealing with this person. He was a manager, but I was not working for him. That was the essence - he could not control me and practiced his covert aggression to try and remove me from his sphere of influence. And it was not a power struggle - I was only trying to survive, but if you've read anything on narcissism, you will find there are ways that they focus on people and don't let go.In the end, I survived and he left the company - too many people were discovering his modus operendi and he was getting pressure from all sides since his work ability was a house of cards. I only needed to let go and let him do himself in. However, you need to know HOW to prevent them from latching on to you. One of the key moments was when he came at me on something I had actually done that put him in the spotlight. He attacked directly - but in the covertly aggressive way - and I instantly recognized what was happening. I refused to rise to it and kept deflecting it back to the core issue and not where he was trying to take it. They are masters at manipulating, but in the most covert ways. You MUST learn to recognize it. I held on and with my refusal to be drawn in, he finally just gave up. It was a HUGE victory to me, and set the tone from there on out.There's a part in the book that says if one of these people is your manager, you may have no choice but to simply leave. I am convinced of that, and the fact that this guy had lived in the company as a manager for 6 years is a tribute to their ability to keep things covert. But unless I wanted to sound like a nut, I had to only reveal actual events to my manager, and not try to explain what this nut really was. Having studied this person for a long time, and making notes (which often were just venting), I found I had come to truly know what was going on. In a sort of crescendo/finale, when I had been hauled into HR over something he had made up, I was able to lucidly described all the behaviors (mostly excluding me from things I should have been involved with) to HR and two levels of management. And I mean, I castigated him completely. I was able to describe the behaviors without much on the condition, and since I was drawing from things that were also witnessed by others, I literally "won the war" despite losing so many of the little battles along the way. Without this book I could NEVER have been prepared in the way I was. Similar to another reviewer, this was the worst year and a half of more than 35 years in the workplace. Do not underestimate these people and their ability to damage you.Well, that's a long way of explaining that this book was essential to my understanding of what was happening to me, and even more essential to navigate it. After a full read-through, I kept coming back for reinforcement and learned how to survive him. I believe that low ratings here in the reviews come from people who were looking for help, but did not have a covert-aggressive but instead were experiencing other forms of mental issues. I felt this was right-on in my case, he was a classic covert aggressive to be sure.If you can read a sample with the Kindle app, do so. If a covert-aggressive is what you have, I think the descriptions will jump out at you. If it doesn't, you may need to continue on your journey of self-help. (It's still a great read though!)

Brilliant book and still refer to it from time to time, a real eye opener. Item arrived promptly and in excellent condition.

I bought this book when after THAT realization: I was used, lied to... (I may have cleaned out the entire psychopath section in the book store).In comparison this book is more general (not specific to narcissists, psychopaths or other personal disorder) but well-rounded.George uses examples to demonstrate in depth the cause and effect of behavior on all effected. This is done in depth. Brilliant job.George does not vilify any particular sex/class - his examples use both sexes and people from all backgrounds. I felt this was done equally (but I wasn’t keeping a tally).George comes across as very factual and able to demonstrate a thorough understanding on the subtle more nuanced effects of covert aggression.Clear definitions are provided for each term and explains why terms are the same or different and why one things might not mean another. This establishes clarity. His use of these terms throughout the book is consistent and easy to follow.My first listen/read of this book was so eye opening. I needed time to digest it all. 10 months later, I am reading again but this time one chapter at a time. There is so much to reflect on and digest.

Dieses Buch öffnet dir die Augen dafür, was ein Mensch (dem du es vermutlich nicht zutraust) allen Ernstes mit dir veranstaltet! Wie er dich verwirrt und in die Enge treibt - und dies völlig bewusst - und wie er diese Taten verdeckt.In verständlicher, klarer und präziser Sprache zählt der Autor die Manipulationstechniken auf und enttarnt verdeckt aggressives Verhalten. Nebenbei heilt er uns von unserer Naivität und macht uns klar, womit wir es zu tun haben, ohne emotional zu werden.Gleichzeitig gibt dieses Buch funktionierende Mittel an die Hand, mit dem Manipulator umzugehen und zeigt, wie wir uns schützen können.Mir hat es geholfen, jede Technik sofort anzusprechen und zu entlarven, als sie angewendet wurde. Das hat den Narzisst entwaffnet und er konnte nicht mal mehr leugnen, da auch das Leugnen als Technik entlarvt wurde. Die Folge war, dass er sich endlich entfernte und wieder Friede einzog!SEHR zu empfehlen! Würde auch 10 Sterne geben wenn ich könnte!

Habe in letzter Zeit aus verschiedenen Gründen einiges zum Thema Narzissmus, Soziopathie, Psychopathie, Lügen etc. gelesen. Dieses Buch ist mit das Beste, weil es verträglich geschrieben ist (man kann es lesen, ohne dass einem ständig übel wird vor lauter Schlechtigkeit der Welt) und weil es auf sehr kluge Weise verschiedenste Manipulationsstrategien aufdeckt und verständlich macht. Nachdrücklich zu empfehlen für Menschen in sozialen Berufen, zum Beispiel Lehrer oder Sozialarbeiter oder Therapeuten. Hier wird sehr verständlich erklärt, was einen Menschen mit neurotischen Tendenzen von Menschen mit Charakterstörungen unterscheidet und warum die Lügen eines Neurotikers nicht annähernd vergleichbar sind mit den Lügen eines beispielsweise schwer narzisstisch gestörten Menschen. Gerade wenn man mit Kindern arbeitet, hilft es, jede Tendenz in Richtung eines gestörten Verhaltens behutsam, aber konsequent und nachdrücklich zu korrigieren und so im wahrsten Sinn dieses Ausdrucks "die Welt zu verbessern". Kleiner Tipp am Rande: Die Lügen einer Pippi Langstrumpf wären sicher nicht die, gegen die sich Simon hier wendet. Pippi würde nie zulassen, dass einem verletzlichen Menschen irgendein Haar gekrümmt wird; von den charaktergestörten Menschen dieser Welt, die sich leider oft sehr gut verstellen können, kann man das leider nicht sagen.

Using only a few everyday stories, Dr Simon illustrates how manipulation happens.The first part of the book explains the personality traits of manipulative people and why they manipulate others. A manipulator considers every interaction as a competition, and the main goal is to win.Part two of the book provides valuable information and methods for dealing with all these difficult or even dangerous individuals. Dr Simon highlights about 20 different tactics manipulators use to control other people. He then outlines in a logical way what can be done to better recognize these patterns and how to respond appropriately.The epilogue emphasizes the negative effects of manipulation on a societal level.With this book I have learned how spot manipulative situations and tactics at the moment they occur and how to successfully apply coping mechanisms. However, it does require some practice, but to master it is a life skill.