You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse--An 8- Step Program Paperback – March 10, 1995

Im a social worker and a domestic violence advocate and I often give this book out to clients. It has a lot of example conversations that portray conversations that turn abusive and then the same conversation with responses that will redirect it from being abusive. Its useful for relearning your compass when you've been subjected to verbal abuse and gas lighting for a while. Many people in that situation end up feeling unsure about how people should speak to one another. It also is useful if a person needs to continue having conversations with an abuser such as in the case of shared child custody. It is not a philosophical discussion of why abusers abuse (if you are a survivor, its not your job to figure this out about your abuser) or old fashioned psychoanalysis. Its practical methods that are more in keeping with a modern CBT approach. This book will help you identify the patterns and then practice problem solving to develop better skills in circumventing or responding to verbal violence. I have seen some reviewers that are unhappy because this book doesn't tell them how to fix their abuser. Of course it doesn't. I would be wary of any that did, because that's neither the responsibility of the survivor or something that's ever likely to even be possible.It also doesn't tell you how to escape domestic violence. This book takes a neutral subject-centered approach and does not preach nor condemn. It assumes that the reader has reached their own conclusions about maintaining contact with a verbal abuser and just offers the language tools. For someone seeking encouragement or help in escaping abuse, I would encourage them to contact a domestic violence hotline or service.

The author makes some very good points about it taking two people to participate in a negative verbal exchange. She wants the victim of verbal abuse to not feel completely helpless, that said, she doesn't claim that this will fix an abusive relationship but focuses on the linguistics of the exchange. The techniques she shares to neutralize the conversation as opposed to "feeding the abusive verbal loop" are very helpful. I wish there were less repetition of certain philosophies and more and varied examples of each technique. I felt the organization of the concepts was a bit scattered... i.e. a "note" about the effect on children caught as observers at the end of a completely unrelated chapter when in an earlier chapter she seemed to suggest that she would touch on this topic in greater detail later. It may just be my learning style, but I found this book harder to read because of the way the topics and unrelated subtopics were arranged. I found myself skipping around a lot in the book to make sense of it. Overall some great ideas to try. By the way, not one of the techniques involves stating plainly to the abuser that, "you can't say that to me!"

I became a fan of Elgin's after reading "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense." I needed that not just because of abusive people in my life, but because I had picked up some verbally abusive patterns myself. I read the reviews for Patricia Evans' books and right or wrong it seemed there was at times a lot of anger projected, however understandably. Apparently her books helped some folks very much and that is good. But my favorite Source of advice says: "Do not exchange insult for insult or [what it seems to me was in some of the reviews] rancor for rancor." "Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good." "Treat all persons [this means even abusers - though one can respectfully leave them if necessary!] with respect." This means we know we are entitled to be treated with respect too! "A gentle answer turns away wrath." "In all things, love." If it's not obvious, those quotes are from Scriptures. My humble opinion, if the advice in Elgin's book, and prayer, don't work for a particular person, then okay leave him or her before they hurt you more. This would be even more essential if children are involved, because they should not witness, and possibly learn, or experience the abusive treatment themselves. However, if the lost cause abusers are in your family or work place and you can't get away, distance yourself from them emotionally and physically as much as possible. "Do not make friends with an angry person lest you become ensnared in his ways." "Anger resides in the lap of fools." "He who controls his temper is mightier than one who conquers a city."

Elgin states in the beginning of this book that this is the work that her whole "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series has been building up to. I would agree, in that this is a solid guide for those suffering from verbal abuse.There's nothing in this book that will make you jump up and shout "Eureka! That's the solution!" But the truth is that there probably is no such solution.What you WILL get from the book is a practical framework that you can build on to improve the situation. And, almost as important, to help you avoid the trial-and-error of trying out ways that don't really help in the long run.I might have given this book 4 stars, but one other thing makes me push it up to 5: the attitude the book encourages toward the verbal abuser. Other books for victims of verbal abuse engender a lot of negative feelings, sometimes to the point of hate-mongering. This book, however, helps you manage the situation without encouraging ill-will.

The book did not hold my interest and did not give me the answers I was looking for. It's just ok and might help somebody

I learned some skills that I needed. I spoke aloud at times as I read, so that I'd have the memories of verbalizing the words. That way I can pull them from my memory when needed.

Nothing to say. Everything's fine.

Simply written good advice which would help anyone to avoid arguments and verbal conflict.Book arrived promptly in perfect condition - feels like new.

I found that putting in a complaint under the equal opportunities act far more effective than reading these pointless books none of which tell me exactly what to say. I also found that researching useful and affective answers more readily on the internet.