Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

This book was so affirming, very happy to read other's experiences.

Personally despite this book having terms I do not like hearing or concepts I find hard to understand…This book I feel should be a book that every person reads at some point perhaps once they are sexually active. I think the discussions this book brings up are discussions a lot of people with either high or low sex drives need to read… whether it’s to understand oneself or others.I do believe sex is glorified too much. This book made me realize that just because I enjoy certain things doesn’t mean I am not in the Ace spectrum, and it also doesn’t mean that I am. It’s a book that allows you to think of yourself and what things mean to you. As one may not stop to think… is sex for me, and if it is why do I enjoy it? Is my definition of “wanting sex” the same as others?Good book… highly recommended.

Okay. I have a lot of issues with this book, but they largely boil down to the belief that it really just needed a more rigorous editor who could have identified some gaps before they were immortalized in print.For one, there was a lot of information thrown in without proper contextualization. For example, in chapter 7 we meet Leigh, a romantic ace with a husband and a queerplatonic partner. We learn a lot about Leigh and their relationships, but then - at the tail end of the chapter - Chen suddenly(!) reveals that having a QPP has helped Leigh to leave their abusive husband. All congrats to Leigh, but we as readers have spent time with their husband without any insinuation at all that he was abusive, which leads to a moment of whiplash in the sudden reveal.Then there are moments that just need some good old fashioned fact checking, which a better editor would have advised. The entirety of chapter 8 is based on the assumption that MOST people have no idea that asexuality exists. Where's the proof of this? Not in the book. Then the same chapter includes the even more egregious statement that heterosexual women USUALLY agree to sex that they don't actually want. Um, wtf kind of regressive stereotyping is this?? Later, in chapter 9, the author seems to assume that the mere existence of a ($250!!!) sex toy that simulates foreplay for women ACTUALLY MEANS that women are more interested in buying said product than talking to their sexual partners about foreplay. I mean, even one conversation with a group of women could have disabused Chen of this notion.Then of course, there's the structure, which is a bit on the messy side. The book wanders, but it does so fairly logically until toward the end. Chapter 10 is a sudden ethnographic look at one woman's experience, and it feels like a total afterthought. It's wedged in and out of place. The final chapter - 11 - also doesn't work for me. It's half "let's end compulsory sexuality" (which I steadfastly agree with btw) and half the story of one thruple raising a daughter in San Francisco, and that coupling just doesn't work at all.However, my biggest biggest complaint is how this book does one thing that it explicitly warns readers against doing. This is VERY MUCH a sex negative book (as in the academic counterposition to sex positivity, i.e. "sex is inherently neutral" rather than "sex is inherently good"). *Note to say that I'm a sex negative gal, and I am HERE for this.* The book goes to great lengths to make contemporary sex negative arguments, e.g. compulsory sexuality is harmful; the sex/rape binary is false; mediocre sex exists - and is pretty common; sex is political; sex is not inherently good; there are varying levels of consent, etc. But the only chapter that explicitly references sex negativity (chapter 4) reads like sex negativity never expanded beyond the 1970s (or at least that the author never bothered updating her scholarship). Worse than that is how the author asserts and re-asserts her own sex positivity, even while cautioning readers that there has been a false equivalency between sex positive ideology and being "a good liberal." Girl, you can't have it both ways. Yeah, it may not be as "cool" to be sex negative, but your arguments are sex negative. Own it! Please!Overall, I actually don't hate the book. There is definitely some value here - especially for readers coming in with zero knowledge about asexuality. I just SINCERELY hope this is not the be all end all scholarship on the subject. Because there's so much more to be said - and better.

About half through & have a problem with issue raised about how med/pharma attempts to raise libido to attempt to "cure" aces without making clear in that chapter that libido cannot cure ace anyway / waist of time for pharmacy companies. I am ace with libido, doubling my libido will not point that libido at someone else (create sexual attraction) & make me not ace. Issue of libido being present for some aces was mentioned earlier in book, but became confusing as med trope to "cure" aces in later chapter. Will finish this otherwise well researched book, but tinged with this confusion. Libido & aesthetic attraction were my biggest confusions to understanding my asexuality. The med establishment trope of libido = sexual attraction stood out glaringly in the one chapter even if unintentional.

I’m not an Amazon “pseudo-critic”, an academic, or a mental healthcare provider. I’m just a middle-aged straight lady who haltingly identifies as being on the “asexual spectrum”. It has made me crazy for YEARS. If you’re like me and have longed for clear-cut information and deftly-related stories about what it’s like to realize that you might be “ace”, THIS IS THE BOOK FOR YOU. There’s a great deal of bizarre and misleading info about asexuality out there in the world, both on and offline. Trying to identify asexual characteristics and behaviors within oneself can be absolutely maddening, because it’s such a misunderstood orientation. Ms. Chen writes from her personal perspective relating to her own struggles and questions about asexuality. This book answers a lot of questions for those of us who are coming to identify themselves as ace, such as: what about romance/love? what about sex? what do I tell my husband/wife/partner? am I some kind of broken weirdo? And the most agonizing question for folks like me: why does the entire world revolve around sexual intercourse?! Chen has bravely written from the asexual point of view, so this book gives the ace folks and non-asexuals something to chew on. My experience reading this book was one of gasping recognition, on just about every page. There were stories about every type of person/personality/orientation who might identify as asexual: straight, gay, trans, they/them, vanilla, Christian, etc. This book helped me to understand that asexuality is NOT a “disease” and I’m not disables, weird, or incomplete without sex. I don’t need to be medicated. I’m so immeasurably grateful to Ms. Chen for writing this book. It’s going to help a LOT of people understand and learn not be frightened by asexuality, either in themselves or their loved ones.

For anyone who is asexual, I CANNOT recommend this book enough. I've always been comfortable with my asexuality, however, reading this book and the experiences of the asexuals interviewed within has brought me to a new level of understanding about myself and the way I engage with a world where experiencing sexual attraction is viewed as the default state of beingFor anyone who isn't asexual, this book still offers an incredible insight into the ways in which we take romantic and sexual love for granted. Please read it! Even if you dont have asexual or aromantic friends, you will gain a new understanding of relationships from reading this book.

This is a good resource and complication of ace stories, but even more so such a good place to start the dialogue about sexuality, consent, what we consider obvious and standard, and that negotiating every relationship at every stage for your and your partner's needs is something profoundly needed.Brilliant source, should be read by allos, aces, aros, demis, and gray aces of any sex, gender and romantic or sexual inclination alike, should be taught and discussed at schools really.A friend of mine, to whom I recommended this book, already suggested showing pertinent highlights (and I have oh do many) to ppl in lieu of explanations, a d i am kinda loving this idea.Very important read this.

Interesting and informative but very much from the point of view of an American in their 20s which I found, distracting isn't quite the right word but it detracted from my reading experience.

This book has helped me become more comfortable and understand myself. It's great whether you're asexual, aromantic or you just want a better understanding of how sex is woven into the fabric of society. Any person on the ace spectrum who feels broken or feels like they wish they weren't ace should read this book!

Da ich mir zur Aufgabe gemacht habe, beim Thema Asexualität wenigstens halbwegs auf de aktuellen Stand zu sein, habe ich dieses Buch gekauft.Wobei ich sagen muss, dass mich sonst das Cover mit diesen Flecken (Buntpapierfetzen wie früher im Kunstunterricht?) ein wenig abgeschreckt hätte. Mit dem Inhalt hat es jedenfalls erst nach einer Pause zum Nachdenken zu tun.Kurze InhaltsübersichtDer Text liest sich sehr flüssig. Ausgehend von eigenen Erfahrungen hat Angela Chen einige Dutzend andere Aces interviewt und deren Geschichten in Fragestellungen an die US-Gesellschaft verwandelt:Schadet die allgemeine Erwartung, dass Männer immer super versessen auf Sex seien, genau dieser Personengruppe?Hat uns die sexuelle Befreiung uns wirklich freier gemacht?Inwieweit haben wir Überschneidungen mit Vorurteilen gegenüber rassifizierten Menschen, Menschen mit BeHinderung, und religiösen Stereotypen?Was bedeutet eigentlich „romantisch“? Wo ist die Grenze zwischen Romanzen und Frenudschaft? Und wieso ist Sex ein Maßstab bei der Bewertung, wie wichtig eine Beziehung sein darf?Was ist „compulsory sexuality“ (Sexnormativität) und was ist hermeneutische Ungerechtigkeit? Wie verhindern unsere Vorstellungen von Sex und dem, was Menschen wollen, dass Menschen eben nicht das tun (oder lassen), was sie möchten?Das alles bereitet Chen informativ und verständlich auf.Sehr tröstlich ist auch die Einflechtung der verschiedenen Lebensgeschichten. Obwohl ich genug Aces kenne, tut es immens gut, ein paar Fragen und Probleme gespiegelt zu sehen, die ich auch schon hatte.Mehr Kompendium als ErleuchtungDer Witz ist, dass ich dieses Buch nicht unbedingt gebraucht hätte, und da werden manche ähnlich empfinden. Was Angela Chen zusammengetragen hat, wissen halbwegs aufmerksame Beobachtende der asexy Blogosphäre schon.Ich selbst fand also in dem Buch sehr wenig neue Anstöße, sondern eher eine Zusammenfassung von klugen Gedanken, die ich bei oder dank der Asexual Agenda schon gelesen habe. Damit will ich Angela Chens Fähigkeit, pointierte Fragen zu stellen und Dinge zu beobachten, gar nicht in Abrede stellen. Es wird Menschen im asexuellen Spektrum geben, die diese Diskussionen nicht so genau mitverfolgt haben oder viel später dazugestoßen sind, und die dieses Buch dann umso mehr schätzen werden. Außerdem hat eine gedruckte, zitierfähige Zusammenfassung von Online-Diskussionen immensen Wert.Was ist eigentlich die Zielgruppe?Einerseits steht das erklärte Ziel des Buchs schon auf dem Cover: Wie können die Lebensgeschichten asexueller Menschen helfen, besser zu verstehen, wie die westlichen Gesellschaften in Bezug auf Sex ticken? Was können wir alle gewinnen, wenn wir Dinge aus einer asexuellen Perspektive betrachten?Das heißt, die Zielgruppe sind vornehmlich Menschen, die sich nicht als ace begreifen.Andererseits bin ich mir nicht sicher, ob es gelungen ist, diese Zielgruppe anzusprechen.Was es aber zu tun scheint, und da sind Sara von the notes which do not fit und ich einer Meinung mit diversen Menschen, die bei Amazon Rezensionen hinterlassen haben: Es ist hilfreich für unentschlossene Menschen und solche, die ein nagendes Unbehagen mit den Erwartungen spüren, die uns die Sexnormativität aufbürdet.Brauche ich das?Kommt drauf an.Wer sowieso schon alles zum Thema gelesen hat und sich mit der eigenen Selbstbeschreibung als ace wohlfühlt, braucht es nicht unbedingt und folge weiterhin den relevanten Blogs.Wer einen kurzen und knackigen Einstieg in die aktuellen Debatten sucht, ist hier genau richtig.Ebenfalls sehr sinnvoll erscheint es für jene, die überlegen, ob sie sich ins asexuelle Spektrum verorten sollen oder wollen. Wir finden hier all die Selbstzweifel und Einwände, die in dieser Findungsphase am drängendsten sind.Insofern hat Angela Chen auf jeden Fall etwas getan, das mich das Hütchen lüpfen lässt: Ein Ratgeberbuch verfasst, ohne einen einzigen Ratschlag zu verteilen.