Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction

My cousin attends Discovery Church and posted about "Messy Grace" on Facebook. As a Christian Bisexual woman who is an active member of a third way church (a church which has taken the stance that sexuality is a secondary issue within the church and we will affirm multiple beliefs - agreeing to disagree and challenge each other with grace and love) I was intrigued by the title and premise of the book - after reading the varied endorsements, I wanted to read this book myself and now that I have - want to share my perspective as both a Christian and member of the LGBT community.A brief history about me and the church - I grew up in the church, my family was part of baptist, missionary alliance and non denominational churches throughout my childhood and teenage years.After High School I began serving full time at a non denominational megachurch which eventually led to a full time position. I was laid off from that position in 2008 and moved out of state where I served at several other small and megachurches before returning to the area of my family in 2010. A former pastor of the megachurch I served on staff with started the church I have called home since 2011.I began coming out to family and friends two years ago after a brief relationship/engagement with my then female best friend turned sour and I realized I was bisexual. Prior to the events leading up to my relationship with this woman I had no knowledge, feeling or inkling within myself that I was attracted to women in addition to men. However I can look back on friendships throughout my life and see that the way I interacted with both sexes was different than how my peers interacted with each other and the opposite sex. I know without a doubt I was born bisexual and God created me in this way to honor Him and give Him glory.Since I was a serving/tithing member and my church family was deeply important to me - my pastor and his wife were some of the first people I came out to. Despite not knowing what he believed at the time, my pastor assured me - no matter what, I would always have a home within his church - even if I fell in love with and married a woman.This enabled me to continue focusing on my relationship with God - without worrying if my sexuality would be a barrier in my church community - and it allowed me to freely re-examine many beliefs I've held throughout my life about the Bible and church. Even though there are issues that are deeply important to me - and many people I attend church with who deeply disagree with me - I love my church because we are truly living out the title of this book and walking the line of Grace and Truth, when those two things look very different to different God loving people.That leads me to this book -What I love is that Caleb implores all Christians to reach out to the LGBT community and put away the hate and rhetoric which keeps the LGBT community from feeling loved, accepted or wanted by the church. I wholeheartedly agree with Caleb's thoughts on what to do and not to do when someone who is LGBT in your life comes out to you and how to respond gracefully. I myself have been on the receiving end of most of things Caleb says not to do - luckily it did not destroy those relationships, but it was not fun to be on the receiving end of those conversations.I agree with Caleb that no one, especially the LGBT community wants to be treated like a project and that to really love people you need to accept them as is with no conditions to change. I agree that the focus should not be on changing LGBT people but loving them. And that taking an attitude of "Us Vs. Them" is one of the most destructive things we do in the church towards people who we deem aren't "saved" or don't look like us.This is why I have given this book 3 stars.Despite my differences in opinion with Caleb regarding what biblical sexuality can look like - my biggest criticism about his book is not that we disagree theologically. He holds the same view many in my church hold.Rather - reading this book it was clear to me that Caleb's experiences with the LGBT community are not current and do not include many, if any LGBT Christians with varying views. Caleb loses me when he starts to make broad stroke generalizations of my community, which don't describe me at all - and don't describe many others I know within the LGBT community, Christian or not.These generalizations contribute to the belief that as a community we only have one viewpoint and it completely erases those of who find our identity in Christ first, but still embrace our sexuality - something which looks very different for different people among the Christian LGBT community.It is downright offensive when he say's we are a community that finds our identity in our sexuality and this is the biggest reason we don't want to embrace God - because it would mean letting go of an identity and community that we've found solace in for so long. While that might have been true of the community he was raised in by his mother 30 years ago, it is not true of all LGBT people today.Caleb briefly acknowledges that there is a difference in viewpoints regarding biblical sexuality, but never really acknowledges that there are Bible believing LGBT Christians who find their identity in Christ alone and still hold an open view of Godly same-sex attraction and it's expression in relationships and marriage. Not all people who affirm or accept same-sex relationships and marriage are LGBT. Some are straight people who have come to be ally's from many different backgrounds. Some are motivated by friends and family who have come out to them - but not all choose to affirm same-sex relationships because someone close to them is gay. This is a common misconception and it's disheartening to see someone who is a pastor and has intimate knowledge of the LGBT community affirm this misconception.Caleb chooses to share his opinions regarding homosexuality and the Bible - his opinion is that the only way to live a Holy and Goldy life as an LGBT Christian is to stay celibate or for a small percentage of people - get married to a person of the opposite sex and walk the road of being in a mixed orientation marriage. He states biblical marriage is between one man and one woman and he uses the Bible to bolster his views. Caleb states that we all need to be willing to lay aside our personal feelings to do what is right in the eyes of God, and makes sure the reader knows his viewpoint is the "right" and Godly one.At one point Caleb states that we can't read into what the Bible is saying just to make it fit what we want to believe, that we have to take the text as it is written. Later in the same chapter, Caleb adds words not written in the selected scripture and say's it was "implied" and "inferred" because adding those words fits with his own narrative that all same-sex sexual acts are prohibited in the Old Testament. He tries to argue that if anyone wanted the Bible to affirm same sex relationships, it would be him - but objectively can say the Bible doesn't. But Caleb doesn't seem to be aware of his own biases which clearly come through in his writing. His inconsistency in applying scripture on top of his narrow views, further discredits his points about what the Bible says about sexuality altogether.Caleb acknowledges that he himself is not a theologian and he addresses some common push back he receives from people who question his viewpoints. What he doesn't address is that some of the push back he uses as examples - come from theologians who have spent decades studying this issue. He doesn't acknowledge that there are theologians on both side of this issue who have spent a good chunk of their careers studying and decoding the original texts, in it's original languages - and not even they agree what is being said or what context it was used. He dismisses the views he doesn't like by saying they come from people who are biased because they "changed views" after someone close to them came out to them.It is this basic lack of acknowledgement which causes me to lose respect for the points Caleb makes. It becomes clear about halfway through the book that Caleb himself does not have an open mind about the very issues he claims to have grace for - and he uses his personal experiences to justify his own close mindedness and defend it.If left solely as a memoir about growing up with Gay parents and Caleb's journey into faith/ministry - this would be a very solid and moving book. But the fact that it tries to be both a memoir and manual for dealing with the LGBT community/how the LGBT community should act on their sexuality leaves it wanting on some very basic levels.If you are a Christian member of the LGBT community - I do not recommend reading this book as it will only frustrate you and affirm how far "the church" corporately has to go in learning to love and accept our community as is, without condition or exception.But, this book is great for conservative Calvinist Christians who need to be challenged to lay down their swords and start learning how to love and appreciate those they've hated on for decades. For this reason - I appreciate this book and am grateful to Caleb for writing it.

Caleb Kaltenbach is a pastor with a unique past. When he was still a child, his mother divorced his father and married another woman. Meanwhile, his father hid his own homosexuality until Caleb was in college. He grew up completely immersed in gay culture: going to pride parades, tagging along with his mom and her partner to parties, and watching his parents maligned by 'Christians.'One story in particular broke my heart. When he was a teenager, he went with his mom and her partner to a gay pride parade. While there, they met a group of 'Christian' hecklers waving signs that said, "Fags go away," and "Jesus has no room for you." The hecklers used water-guns to shoot them with urine. As they were being verbally and physically demeaned, Caleb looked at his mother and asked her, "Why are those people acting like that?" Her response was heartbreaking: "Well, Caleb, they're Christians, and Christians hate gay people. Christians don't like anyone who's not like them."It would be easy for us, as Christians, to immediately object, "I don't hate gay people. I'm just speaking the truth." But what do our actions say? Are our lives proclaiming God's Gospel of love to all creation? Or, have we predetermined who is worthy of hearing God's plan to reconcile all humanity back to himself? If there's one issue that many in the Church have dropped the ball on, it's the issue of homosexuality. Most Christians simply haven't been equipped to deal with this complex and sensitive subject.And by the way, this is a topic that isn't going away. We need to learn how to deal with this issue in a way that reflects both the truth of God's Word and his great love for every member of the human family. 'Messy Grace' is an important book for Christians to read and understand as they meet their gay friends, family members, or neighbors.Kaltenbach is plain about his purpose for writing this book: "I wrote this book for anyone who wants to know how to relate with grace and truth toward members of the LGBT community." He delivers exactly what he hoped to.He walks the fine line between grace and truth, never making room for sin on either side. One whole chapter is dedicated to what the Bible says about homosexuality - he even deals with some common arguments against what scripture plainly teaches (his rebuttal to the argument that "Jesus never said anything about homosexuality" is fantastic). However, he also lambasts Christians who act more like self-righteous Pharisees than Jesus - unwilling to befriend or reach out to their gay neighbors, treating them more like lepers than people who have been made in the image of God.He tells about one of his mother's friends who got AIDs. Right before he passed away, they visited him in the hospital and watched as his family stood far away from him. Unwilling to touch their dying son and brother because of his sickness. How tragic! And what a contrast to the way Jesus was willing to touch those who society deemed unclean. Throughout this book, Kaltenbach encourages Christians to follow in the footsteps of Christ by pursuing others while they are still sinners.Paul tells us in Romans, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). This verse followed me the whole time I was reading this book. God loved me, he pursued me, he sent his son to die for me - all while I was a sinner, despising and rejecting him. If we are truly going to be followers of Jesus, we must reenact this same pursuit of those that God loves. We ought to pursue, love, and give our lives to those that God is loving. We ought to show sacrificial love to our gay neighbors while they are yet sinners. We need to once-and-for-all do away with the notion that someone must get their moral act together before we extend grace and love.Grace and love must be shown while they are yet sinners. Grace and love are the catalyst for life-transformation; not the reward for it.Over the course of the book, Kaltenbach tells his own story, the story of becoming a Christian pastor despite having two very liberal, gay parents. Throughout each chapter, he draws out important lessons about how to show our gay neighbors the love of God. He includes a lot of practical information and even points a way forward for churches to help people who are experiencing homosexual temptations.Was there anything I didn't like about it? Honestly, I had to try to find something negative to say. In the last chapter or two, he tells about how his parents finally began attending church and got saved. In his discussion on homosexuals who get saved, he makes it clear that living a homosexual lifestyle is not compatible with Christianity; however, there was a time or two that I wished he had used the word 'repent' to describe the complete turning involved in coming to faith in Jesus. I believe the idea is in the text but there was a time or two when someone reading a sentence out of context might think that he doesn't see a complete change as necessary.But ultimately, this is a very minor issue. The book as a whole is clear that the issue of homosexuality needs to be addressed via the middle way of love, holding on to both grace and truth. It's a fantastic guide for every believer that wants to see the Kingdom advance in our culture.We need to be equipped to talk intelligently and sensitively about this subject. This book is a great introduction for that exact purpose.May we all learn to walk the way of grace, truth, and love.

Every believer should read this book. We are neglecting a whole group of people and turning them away from Christ instead of towards Him. We should treat everyone with the same grace and share the same truth with compassiin that God gives to us.

As a Christian I am ashamed of how some of my fellow believers treat the LGBTQ+ community. This book brought a fresh perspective for me. Favorite nugget: we can accept without approving; love without applauding; and be compassionate without commending!! Great read and very applicable in a world that expects us to applaud….

This book was so refreshing to read. Very honest in it’s portrayal of the LGBTQ community and the difficulties they face and how God calls Christians to love everyone. I can’t thank Caleb enough for sharing his story. It has helped me in my relationship with my gay son.

So encouraging. Wrestle with God. He is up for it. He will speak to you and transform you beyond anything you could ever imagine. No need to shy away. We can bring our mess and receive His grace.

I appreciated this book so much. As a pastor with my husband and having worked with a large missions ministry for years, I know firsthand how much Caleb's words are needed today.

Great encouragement

Great read, very interesting perspective. Glad to have purchased and would recommend

Straight down the line the author tells it as it is. The truth may be offensive to some Pharisees (and there are plenty) but this is a message for today full of both grace and truth! With much gay pride about, how should you respond? Well how would Jesus respond, is the crux of the matter. Bear in mind that he was at home with sinners, the religious gave him problems. I highly recommend this book as I have personal reasons for reading it. The author stays true to the biblical message.

Loved what this guy had to say. I agreed already on all of his points but it brought more understanding of how you can boldly take your stance especially when he has had to take his,right in his own home. Cant imagine how hard it was. And hes helping so many to do just that, in a healthy and undamaging way. Thank you.

The product became severely damaged because of a sticker placed on the book.