How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons Reprint Edition, Kindle Edition

7/10This is a very enjoyable, practical and easy to read book that gets to the core of what pushing a button is, why our buttons are pushed, and who pushes them. Although the authors are psychologists, and some of the exercises and reflections presented here use Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, there is no theoretical mumbo-jumbo. The authors' analytical and didactic presentation makes it easy for readers to recognise what pushes our buttons and the ways to think and act when they are pushed so we don't overreact.The core of the book is that nobody or nothing pushes our buttons, we do that ourselves, so we have to and can learn not to push them by changing our thinking and the way we react to what happens to us, or rather, by changing our thinking so our feelings are not irritated or numbed and we don't overreact or downplay what happens to us.The main reasons why our buttons are pushed are five ways of being or feeling (1/ being excessively anxious or worried, 2/ being angry or defensive, 3/ being depressed or burnout, 4/ feeling guilty and 5/ over-reactive self-defeating behaviour) and three ways of screwball thinking (1/ catastrophising or awfulising, 2/ 'shoulding' or blaming ourselves or others, and 3/ excusing or denying that we have a reaction when something pushes our buttons). If we control our thinking, our feelings will be under control, and we won't blow out any situation. We cannot control those people or situations that push our buttons, but we can control our reactions and the way we see, think and feel about them. And the best way to think in these situations is what the authors call 'realistic thinking', which is based on stating what we would like, want or prefer, it recognises the frustration or irritation that a given person or situation has on us, but enables us to have healthy legitimate feelings without overreacting.Another core premise of the book is that there aren't many things that happen to us or people say or do to us that are really that awful, dramatic, damaging or disrupting for us to get upset when we think about them rationally. Throughout the book, there is a constant reminder that, if we take a step back and see things for what they are, those same people and situations won't have the same impact on us.One of the things that I could relate the most are the ten beliefs that we use to let people and situations push our buttons, the first four being the most common. I certainly found my button-pushers reflected here. These beliefs are: 1/ worrying too much about what other people think of us. 2/ Fear of failure or of being wrong and unable to stand any criticism. 3/ Frustration intolerance, or the idea that we should always be treated fairly, even though we know that the world is unfair. 4/ The need to blame someone if any of the first three beliefs happen. 5/ The belief that worrying obsessively about something or someone will help to situations to turn out better. 6/ The belief that there is a perfect solution for every problem, and that the solution can be found immediately. 7/ The wish to avoid difficult situations and responsibilities instead of facing them. 8/ The belief that if we avoid being seriously involved in anything we will be happy or happier. 9/ Blaming the past for anything bad that happens to us in the present. 10/ The wish that bad people and things shouldn't exist, but they do and always disturb and annoy us.The main virtue of the book is that provides readers with a four-step process that will allow us to stop, reflect and react differently, still recognising those things that irritate and annoy us, but without over-blowing any situation. This process can be applied to any person or situation that pushes our buttons, in our personal or work relationships or in the myriad situations in which we have to deal with other people. The four steps not to have your buttons pushed (by you!) are: 1/ Ask yourself how you are dysfunctionaly feeling and acting in a given situation right now. 2/ Ask yourself what you are irrationally thinking about a) yourself b) the others in this situation c) the situation itself, to make yourself upset. 3/ Ask yourself how you can challenge and dispute your irrational thinking. And finally, 4/ ask yourself what realistic preferences you can substitute for your irrational thinking by starting by saying things like, I want, I'd Like, I'd prefer, It would be great if, I regret, I'm disappointed, I'm committed to, It's frustrating, etc. The secret is to use these steps over and over again until they become ingrained in our way of dealing with button pushers. Nobody is perfect at this kind of self-control, so the goal is to reduce our overreactions still being true to our feelings, and react less often and less intensely.DOWNSIDEThe main thing that one can criticise this book for is for the unnecessary wordiness and an endless number of examples showing how to go through the four-step process. I confess, that it gets things sealed on your brain, because repetition really works, but so many examples are also boring and unnecessary. If you want to get a good summary of the book read the last chapter and will have everything perfectly summarised in a few words, and I think a booklet with the main points of the book might have been as successful in conveying the message as the whole book does.MINDThis is an updated version of the book of the edition of 1995.TYPOp. 57 appreicate

If anyone can help you understand how to gain self-control and stop overreacting, it's Albert Ellis. His books are well written, easy to understand, and firmly assert the individual's control over emotions as opposed to blaming other people for your feelings. He's an exposure therapy person who doesn't use the 'trigger' excuse. If you have problems dealing with other people and situations, it's up to you to learn to master yourself if you ever want to get on with your life as a mature, healthy person. He has exercises you do to monitor your behavior, steps to take if you want to drop your victim mentality, and insights into what's really at the root of your responses to annoying people, etc. I highly recommend any of his books to gain insights and learn corrective measures for inappropriate reactions and thinking.

I found this book in the old Quality Paperback Book Club back in the pre-Amazon 90s and remembered it again when life was getting to me. I read it on a summer vacation when I was trying to figure out my life. When I was looking around for solutions to things lately I remembered it again. Lo and behold it is on Kindle! Thanks to those who made that happen!The text is friendly and respectful, but direct. It is a great help again, just to scan certain pages and review things I allowed myself to forget, since I figured I had learned them, or had learned them as well as I was going to at that time. You find the way to be in control of your thoughts. It seems obvious but sometimes I find I think this way, but don't take the action!

It's a classic for anyone who is interested in learning how to cope with most folks. We all can become less than cooperative at times, but Dr. Ellis is famous for his cognitive theory, which simply is: We are all irrational and need to just cool it a bit before we amp up our response to people. It's wise to re-think the situation and look at the bigger picture, and often times, the situation is not as difficult or devastating as we might perceive it to be. This is one of my favorite books of his, and I bought it for a friend who had never heard of Albert Ellis. She was having problems with her family and was searching for solutions for a more sane and rational approach to discussing family issues with her numerous siblings. She been very happy with it, and it's been so helpful for her, and she can see where HER responses and her thinking had been had been "ready for a fight." She and I recommend it.

At least one other reviewer pointed out that if you've read one Ellis book, you've got the gist of most others. I got this book as well as "Rational Living" by Ellis and found that they hit the same points.However, the repetition doesn't take away from the points that (1) It was pretty entertaining reading on what could be a dry subject, and (2) the subject gave me some points to consider.I like self-development books (which you might see if you check out my other reviews), and after reading a number of them reserve 4-star ratings for things that give me pause for thought - which this one did.

Arrived in good shape & is one of the most useful self help books I’ve encountered for people who are new to REBT CBT.

Not every method works for everyone however, this work is excellent for getting you into the ballpark of greatly turning down the mental noise from our own and well as others, pushing our hot buttons! It's simple and straight to the point and surprising how well these techniques work for each and every occasion! I should have negotiated a cut for the amount of times that I've recommended this book to my clients!All the best and thanks Dr. Ellis!

Practical advice. Interestingly, know how to push buttons so you'd think this would be obvious to me but it is not. I'm glad to have something like this to help me through.

Life changing but you really need to persevere and work at it. Grounded solution not an instant airy fairy answer. Highly recommend it.

Its good but a lot of the material is the same as in their A New Guide to Rational Living - the Mother and Father of all self help books. Still very useful and worth purchasing

Highly highly recommend this book. I believe it’s the best of the Ellis books, and really encapsulates REBT (rational emotive behavioural Therapy). This book would work well as bibliotherapy for someone unable to afford talk therapy.

Ich habe dieses Buch in einem Konfliktseminar vom Leiter empfohlen bekommen. English ist keine besondere Stärke von mir. DAs Buch ist aber so verständlich geschrieben, dass es auch für mich kein Problem war die Tipps zu verstehen. Auch die Informationen sind sehr zugänglich formuliert. Die Ideen an sich sind sehr einfach, aber es überrascht sehr, dass sie die Realität voll trefen. MIr hat das Buch sehr gefallen, kann nur empfehlen.

This is a brilliant introduction to REBT, with many case-studies and easy methods that can be used by ordinary people right after reading the book. I have read other books about REBT, this one is so far the best.