You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent.: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma or Toxic Shaming Must know to have peace in their lives

This book spoke to me in so many ways. Sometimes, it seemed as if the author was reciting chapters of my life. Like her, I walked out of an abusive home as soon as I could. However, I was fortunate to have caring relatives in my life who gave me some of the support my parents could not (although they were also helpless against societies conviction that children should stay with their parent as long as they do not break the law, which made it impossible for me to help the child who stayed behind, and opened another can of worms it took me a long time to work through). I sometimes think their support made it easier for me to overcome the past, to search for help in the right place and to distinguish real and honest love from the obsessive delusion that kept my parent's dynamic alive. I wish this book was available in German so that my mum could read it, maybe it would help her and give her some closure. I tried to help her for a long time, until I realized it was just a symptom of my own problem. It was the hardest thing for me to accept that it is sometimes impossible to help someone you love because they are not ready. Unfortunately, I have a sibling who turned to drugs to deal with what happened, and after my father died, my mother focused on them to start the whole dynamic all over again. That she is feeling guilty for her part in what happened to us only makes it more difficult for her to escape this situation. I wish I could help them, but I have realized that I have only enabled them in the past. Now I just try to be honest and hope that they will find the way towards their own healing at some point. It is sometimes difficult, because a lot of people don't understand. The author doesn't write much about this, but given what she wrote about her life, I'm sure she also experienced similar reactions during her path to healing. It is people's default to believe that such stories can not be true, that all parents love their children, that all children should love their parents, and that you should always be there for the people you love. My mother's parents pressured her to stay in her marriage because they were very religious and ashamed of the idea of divorce. I do not blame god for this, although I did when I was younger. I do blame some members of the church, however, who preach that forgiveness should be completely unconditional (which is not what the author writes in this book, fortunately. I do agree with what she writes - forgiveness can not be given if nothing has changed). I do blame the priests who told my mum that a godfearing wife has to stay with her husband no matter what. Who knew and did nothing. These teachings are part of the lie she tells herself, and enforce the cage in which she is trapped. I do believe that the love of god can help to heal us. However, sometimes the church with their misguided teachings of sin may only make it worse.

I cannot believe I haven't written a review for this book yet -- I've purchased it many times for many friends and have recommended it personally to around 15 people since I read it. I read it over three days in a secluded room at a friend's house after a mental breakdown. Instead of going to the mental hospital, I read this. It literally saved me (or, as she would say, helped me save myself.) I found a therapist shortly thereafter and shared it with her, too -- she thanked me the next time I saw her, as this is now one of her favorite books to recommend to her other clients. If it feels like the universe has been conspiring against you (many things have been going wrong, you keep trusting the wrong people, you just can't seem to get out of your own way, you're chronically ill, etc.) you will benefit from reading this book. I was encouraged to reach out to the author to tell her how much I credited her work with helping me save myself, and I did. She wrote me back the kindest letter, reminding me not to give up when old patterns creep back, exactly when I needed to hear it again most. She continues to help me help myself. I cannot recommend gathering the strength to truly read and PARTICIPATE in the arduous emotional work that her book entails enough. She speaks from experience, and thus knows exactly how to reach those who need to hear her words. There are many books on boundaries and codependence -- most of them have religious components. Honestly, this is one of the books I've found that is the LEAST religious oriented. I think she mentions God maybe three or four times total? It wasn't a major part of the book by any means. But if you can't see the forest for the trees, i.e. if you don't have a sense of coexistence/tolerance, then you could choose another book...but consider that judging this author for her religious beliefs and then discounting everything else she says might be an excuse to reject doing the required hard work that you don't want to do to help yourself. Before you get started, let me say: I wish you the very best of luck on your journey. Please don't give up. You can do this. You WILL profit from this work. It's a shitty band-aid to rip and that's why most people don't do it -- but nothing will free you like ripping it off. Rip it off. Your wounds need air.

This book was really interesting. The writer gives a lot of herself in order to take us through the considerations chapter by chapter. BUT then she lays it on too thick with biblical quotes. I fully understand that a belief or a faith in something, anything is a huge part of self development but I felt her explanation of having some faith (in yourself or even in a greater thing) was totally lost as she lays on her christian faith way too thick. I understand that the book is written from a very personal perspective but she swings too deep into the bible. She did not need to go there so deeply. I felt like I was trapped in the corner at a gathering by someone wishing to convert me. Obviously her faith is very important to her but this aspect of the book became rather self indulgent leving me very alienated rather than engaged. Shame really as the rest of the book is interesting and insightful.

This is a fantastic book about codependency. Written by an experience expert this book offers a very committed and focused approach to overcoming codependency. Important in healing is the step of acknowledging a higher power (God, Creator, et cetera, just how you wish to understand this higher power). This has always been a step I stumbled on, however, when I started to read Marianne Williamson's "A Return To Love" a month ago, which is based on "A Course In Miracles", this higher power has brought forth a much more realistic feel. With some books about "A Course In Miracles" as a foundation I found it easy and logical to take this step of acknowledging a higher power. I strongly believe that without this acknowledgement overcoming codependency is a bigger struggle than it should be. It's a tremendous relieve to feel that I don't have to know, solve, understand, et cetera.

A brilliant book for anyone trying to break the endless cycle of codependency. Really well set out with manageable activities, which allow you to see measured results.

Such a helpful book!

Very good summary of what codependency is all about. Beginning with the title, where a lot of codependents get their first answer, just by holding the book and reading its cover.